Superhero Media: Arsene Lupin (2004)

For fans of Krrish 3 (an excellent Superman film) and Nightbreed (a great X-Men film), get ready for Arsene Lupin and brilliant Batman Origin film and also a much-needed entry in the LXG cinematic universe (I need to write that up at some stage). Born into a rich family, Arsene's father is a master of Savate and a reformed thief who's past catches up with him in the opening and we swiftly jump a dozen years to find Arsene as a Gentleman Thief working the Paris social circles. Arsene Lupin is, of course, a famous French literary character, adapted as broadly as into the Lupin the 3rd Anime and a member of Les Hommes Mysterieux in Alan Moore's The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen series. Much like his British contemporary, AJ Raffles, Arsene is a little "generic" by today's standards, but this film is an excellent version of the story, with good pacing and fun action. 

But where do the "Batman" elements come in, I hear you ask? Well, how does a protagonist with disguise, espionage and martial arts training, unhealthy relationships with women, a fixation on a dead father and a lost state of innocence sound? Also there's a conspiracy to return a dynastic ruler to power, an immortal wizard and anachronistic weapons technology so all we're really missing is capes, angst and too many Joker appearances. Sure, Arsene is a thief, but Batman is a Billionaire, so who is the real villain? Arsene also foils a plot to reinstall a monarchy in France and helps out some Anarchists, so go you good thing. Being a French film, there is plenty of romance and intrigue, all shot in lavish period locations and with impeccable costuming; it's a joy to watch, even in the quiet stretches. 

Arsene Lupin manages what many films aspire to, but which few ever deliver on, a story in which the characters are sketched in shades of grey and no one is wholly altruistic, but in which some are still heroic. Arsene would rather live a life of pleasure and risk, stealing from the wealthy and never planning ahead, but once he is caught in the machinations of the Royalists and Cagliostro's daughter, he plays both sides against the middle to save France; and maybe make a little cash on the side. Arsene is a true antihero, and he does it all without wanton murder of more than the reasonable amount of brooding one may expect upon discovering that one's lover is an immortal alchemist. Man, this is so much a superhero film without trying to be, all it's missing is a post-credits scene where Jean Robur comes to recruit him to fight the Germans, I love it. Formidable! 

The Pitch: James Bond

Recently I went back over my James Bond collection, both the films that I have on DVD from when the collections where cheap and the novels I have found here and there over the years. Reading or watching the classic Bonds in the 2020s is an experience in ambivalence; the stories and writing are excellent, the films are classics and well put together, but they have aged in unfortunate ways. To me, Bond is best as a period character, inhabiting the 1950s and '60s with his retro-cool clothing, chain-smoking and early Cold War nonsense. Whilst the newer films (and I'm talking Dalton and onward here) are fun and can occasionally be great, to me they're a different beast, more of a riff on the concept than truly Bond.

At the time of writing, Daniel Craig has hung up the martini glass and the future of the franchise is nebulous at best, though we can all be sure that more Bond will come at some point. With where my head is at the moment, I have an idea that I'd like to put out there; James Bond should stay in the era in which he works best, 1953-1966, the time in which the Flemming novels were written. So yes, the future of Bond is the past, and I actually have some good reasoning behind this it's not just a nostalgia bent or me still having weird feelings over Connery being dead. Really.

Ian Flemming's James Bond - 007

For this 'reboot' (because that's what it is, let's not beat about the bush) the overarching mission statement is "do the books". Yes, the early films focused on the Flemming novels as well, but we're going to do them both closely and in order. Why? Well the stories kind of flow well as they're written, for the most part, and when done in the reading order, characters like Felix Lighter and Quarrel get their own arcs and it's not just about Bond. Also, fun fact, the 'Bond girls' usually get follow-up in the next novel, like Honey[chile] Rider being set up in America by Bond as thanks and Tatiana Romanova sadly dying saving Bond's life against Rosa Klebb. Plus, following the books closely is a version of this that hasn't been done yet.

For those who have never read the novels, they're more... low rent, than the films? Fewer crazy gadgets, a lot more actual spycraft from Bond and long stretches of Bond just living, drinking and smoking. The Connery films do cover the lifestyle stuff early on, but it's such a major feature of the books. Other notable changes are things like Doctor No just being a sociopathic rich guy (but I repeat myself) and The Big Man being a spy for the Soviets; lower rent, as I said. Of course the novels are typically even more racist and often just as sexist, but the plan here is to almost make that a point. Remember, we're sticking to the books as much as possible.

In fact, I thinking it would be good to keep the bigoted language in cases where Bond and other white characters use it. Bond is an instrument of Empire, albeit a fading one, so when we view him though a lens of 21st century sensibilities, the antihero elements that already define the character in the novels become even more stark. Even to Flemming, it would seem, Bond is not a hero. He is the protagonist, but rarely are his actions altruistic or heroic in any real way. Also, having highly offensive language and the visceral violence on the screen will push the rating up to R, so angry boys on the internet will defend and promote it without understanding it, which will be personally hilarious to me.

These adaptations shouldn't even be that expensive, as the hard part is finding era appropriate sets, locations and props, but they could be reused if needed. Think Mad Men, but a decade earlier and traveling across the entire world. Style would be the substance in many ways, like the gorgeous long shots of Connery clearing rooms or lighting a cigarette in the early films, before things got a little more silly. Thinking along the lines of the grounded nature of the Craig era with the style of the Connery era and we're pretty much getting there. Would this all be popular with the general audience? I really don't know, but I think it would be an interesting choice for a franchise that has long since gotten stale.

Superhero Media: We Can Be Heroes

At last! The long-awaited sequel to The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl, kind of. In a world where Sharkboy and Lavagirl are real superheroes, as opposed to being part of a child's imagination, all of the world's heroes are taken out in an alien invasion, and their children are the next target. Make no mistake, We Can Be Heroes is a film for children, mostly starring children with few moments really targeted at adults, which can make it a dull watch for those just wanting some superhero action, but much like its predecessor, We Can Be Heroes is well made and tries hard to deliver where lesser films may choose to slack off. The world may be silly and more than a little camp, but the setting is internally consistent, characters have understandable (if basic) motivations and no one really pulls new powers out of nowhere. I'm disappointed that Sharkboy and Lavagirl don't have much to do, as I wanted to see what they were like as adults, and for some reason there is no Machete cameo, but I enjoyed the film overall. 

Remember how one of my major complaints about My Hero Academia is that it fails to deliver on the premise of a character with a solid base of knowledge keeping pace with people with actual powers? Well, our protagonist, Missy, despite being the daughter of one of the most respected heroes on the planet, has no powers of her own, and must rely on her brain to become the leader of the other young heroes and save the world. And there isn't even an eleventh-hour "oh wait, turns out I had powers all along" moment to ruin when Missy steps up and puts herself in the firing-line when there is no other option. The cast of kids is wonderfully diverse, and no attention is drawn to it, because it's just normal for the kids, so why would they discuss it? It's one of those things I miss about working with kids, where they don't have any inbuilt prejudice and just accept trans, queer and foreign peers because why be mean to a potential new friend? The kids in We Can Be Heroes do fight, of course, but over kid stuff, not the presence of a disabled child and a non-binary kid. 

The overall message of We Can Be Heroes is that each new generation needs to do better than the last, and that the young should take on leadership roles as soon as possible. And... yes. 100% we should be empowering the youth to facilitate lasting change in the world, rather than rich old men who will be dead before the problems they've created come home to roost. If you have kids and you want an excuse to sit through a superhero film, you can do a lot worse than We Can Be Heroes, which is twee and camp, but never stupid or pandering. At the very least, we get a quick look at adult versions of Sharkboy and Lavagirl, a liquid metal shark in the finale and a cool-looking alien menace to drag into your own games when you need them. I feel like We Can Be Heroes really needed a bigger budget and some more stars, Missy's dad is two steps away from being Ryan Reynolds and, again, where is my Machete cameo? 

Cars I would like (On the table)

One of the elements of my superhero table I think that really works is my collection of die cast cars and other vehicles. They're pretty cheap, add some colour and can be thrown around in games for a fun time. However, pretty much my entire collection is just things I happened to find when out and about, I've even had to get rid of a few here and there, because my eye was off in the shop and they were just too small on the table. Now that 3D printing is a far more viable option, I have been tempted to expand my motor pool, as it were, though I know they just won't look right next to all my die cast, so I'm leaving it for the moment.

Honestly, I really don't need more vehicles, barring a few things that would be nice, like a bus and a couple of matching Police cars, but that doesn't mean I don't grab something suitable when I see it, especially if it's not black or silver, the most common colours in my collection. That doesn't mean, of course, that there aren't things I would like to find; certain vehicles that tickle my fancy or I just kind of vibe with that I'd love to have sitting on the table as a nice little "Easter Egg" of my own personal tastes and preferences. So here's a list of a few cars that I like for various reasons, though I'm not a car guy, so expect some odd choices.


Honda City AA

I honestly cannot explain my love for the Honda City, but there's just something endlessly charming about it. Maybe it's the fold-up motorcycle, maybe it's the cute rear-view mirrors that make it look like a bug, but the whole effect is just delightful. Despite being a budget option for the young professional when released, the AA is now something of a collector's piece, especially if the motorcycle is still intact and functional, so I'll never own a real one. At the very least, having one on the gaming table would be an interesting talking piece for my big display games, whenever I get back to doing them.


Police WRX

Look, fuck the police, defund them into irrelevance and replace them with something actually humane and effective, but until that happens, they're a part of superhero games. In the early 2000s, Victoria Police trialed the Subaru Impreza WRX as a pursuit car, which I remember being a different colour from above, but this is the image I could find. As I was into the World Rally Championship at the time, I thought that was pretty cool. Really I would just like 3-6 cop cars of the same design for my games and this is a car I really liked at one stage, so it would be a good compromise.

Concept Cars

Is it just me, or would a line of die cast "Concept Cars" be just awesome for tabletop wargames? I'm more thinking of Cyberpunk games here, but for supers as well they'd be perfect for Wakanda, alien planets and space stations. They're sleek, but often goofy, reconisable but a little uncanny, and really seem like they'd sit well on the table just long enough to become another weapon to be thrown and wielded.

A Decent Bus

Why is it so hard to find a good bus in 28mm scale? Seriously, I've been looking for over a decade and the best I found was a tour bus that wasn't anything like a public transport vehicle. Pictured here is the current (at the time) Melbourne bus, but anything suitably mundane and workaday would be fine, if I could ever find one. What's more baffling is that I can think of at least four companies making lasercut bus stops and shelters, so where is the damn vehicle to sit there? Bleh.

Superhero Media: The Punisher (1989)

Despite continuing adaptations of Frank Castle to the screen, there remains something of a cult following for this 1989 entry starring Dolph Lundgren and featuring very few elements of the character, lacking even so much as the iconic skull shirt. I would say that the appeal for devotees would be down to The Punisher being something of one of the last of the "classic" style of 1980s action films, complete with lack of character depth, a European superhuman of dubious acting ability and some unfortunate Japanaphobia and queer-coding. That's not to say that The Punisher is bad, but it's not exactly "good" either, being more in the "fun trash" mould of Demolition Man than an instant classic like Predator. Frank Castle is a former police officer, thought dead by most people, living in the sewers and methodically murdering his way through the local mobsters responsible for his family's deaths. Frank's former partner, Jake is trying to prove he's still alive and behind the actions of the vigilante the media has dubbed "The Punisher". 

Because just watching Frank murder wave after wave of mobsters with increasingly elaborate firearms is too obvious, the plot follows an attempted Yakuza takeover of the New York (I think? The actual location is pretty nebulous and unclear) and the last of the great Italian families trying to keep them at bay. Although this is a great concept to throw the Punisher into, the unfortunate '80's tropes of "everyone from Japan is a ninja" and Japanese corporate takeovers and doesn't really have anything to say about the Eastern Economic Juggernaut of the 1980s. Also the Yakuza lead is a woman and heavily queer-coded, which is pretty unique, but there's nothing much there aside from the neat idea. Again, all of this is good fodder for a Punisher story, but here is really nothing more than a reason to keep the plot churning over. The one notable addition to the story is "Shake", a failed Shakespearean actor turned homeless alcoholic who has befriended Frank and helps out on occasion for comic relief. 

The Punisher delivers nicely on the blood and violence, with a Hot Shots! Part Deux style bullet-count and massive guns to suit Dolph's frame. This really is just a trashy '80s action film with a version of Frank Castle shoehorned in, not that that really matters or is at all a detriment, it's just how it all shakes out. Although it's not really my kind of thing, The Punisher is good enough, or at least engaging enough, to deserve its cult status, despite some uncomfortable dating in parts. This really isn't a good adaptation of The Punisher though, as Frank Castle is barely a character in it, more of an idea to hang a generic film on and a motivation for the protagonist. As we move through the film adaptations of the character, it's interesting to see just how often the comics are only passably referenced, as if Frank is merely another version of Arthur Bishop or Max Rockatanski to build a bloody revenge narrative around, rather than a distinct character within his own world with a role to play in the bigger picture. 

Fantasy Football - Epic Level

Regular readers will be well aware of how dull I find the concept of "the most powerful" superhero that the internet is somehow still fixated on. Mathing out how strong a character "really" is has no appeal to me, as I tend to enjoy narratives for being, you know, narrative, and not an exercise in statistics. That said, when people pull out the whole "well this character is strongest because X" nonsense, I do like to have something in my back pocket to shut the argument down and move on. Golden Age Superman, Stardust the Super Wizard and Doctor Manhattan are kind of your 'ad absurdam' responses there, by the way.

That said, I have thought about this at least a little, and come up with a list myself for this 'discussion' when it raises its ugly head. Naturally, I dug pretty deep and came up with some strange and niche characters because, well, that's kind of my thing, isn't it? So strap yourself in for a list of crazy characters that break narrative fiction with their outlandish powers and put any of your Gokus or Supermans Primes to shame.


Sun Wu Kong

Look, why bother with any Shonen anime protagonist, when you can just have the character they're all riffing on? Sure Goku or JoJo can teleport or run really fast, but can they jump the entire length of the universe from a standing start? Undefeated in battle, outsmarted only by the Buddha himself and so strong he can lift heaven, Sun Wu Kong, the Handsome Monkey King, puts almost every modern superhero to shame.

Fantomah

C'mon, you knew Fletcher Hanks was going to show up on this list somewhere and Stardust is really more of a villain by my standards, so that left Fantomah, Mystery Woman of the Jungle. Fantomah's powers are difficult to truly quantify as she, like many Golden Age Ubermench, can basically do anything at any time with no real justification needed. Able to fly, turn invisible, become intangible and transmute basically anything, Fantomah uses her godlike powers to inflict ironic punishments upon those who violate 'jungle law'. No returning antagonists for this superwoman, the first super-powered female in comics history, they're all dead.

Golden Bat

Forget Superman, let's talk about the world's first superhero! Now, we could argue all day about characters like The Scarlet Pimpernel, Hercules or Gilgamesh perhaps being the first 'superheroes', but for my money, it all comes together with Golden Bat (or Ogon Bat in Japan), who predates Superman, The Spirit and The Phantom, first appearing in a kind of traditional Japanese street theatre, but since appearing in manga, film, anime and even video games. Golden Bat is more magic than super, with his cane and secret island lair that looks like his face, but that doesn't mean he can't fly to the moon in moments or lift up entire islands at a whim. So yeah, basically Golden Age Superman with a skull face and looking like a knock-off academy award. Awesome.

Indigo

The superhero from Robert Mayer's classic pastiche novel Super Folks, imagine an aging superman who's powers have slowly been draining away until he realises that the entire city of New York is laced with his one weakness, Cronkite. Once freed from this influence, Indigo is once again capable of astounding feats, literally punching the antagonist of the story out of the universe. Indigo is very Bronze Age comics in his presentation, but has retained all the absurd powers that symbolise the Golden Age, think post-Death of the Staceys Spider-Man in terms of neuroses with the powers of Doctor Manhattan. If you're a comics fan and you haven't read Super Folks, you really should check it out.

Tesseract

You want deep cuts? I got deep cuts. Tesseract is the greatest warrior of Halcyon, also known as The Everywhere Man and the Totality Warrior. The unique power granted to Tesseract by his magic tree mommy is that every version of him across the multiverse is connected and fight in unison. Man, Ultimate Fantastic Four was a trip. Seriously, when this guy punches you, it's actually an infinite number of him punching you, that's crazy. This guy is so obscure that it's genuinely hard to find much information on him, especially as the Cosmic Cube stole his name for the MCU, but if you have a chance to read some Ultimate Fantastic Four, try it out, it's not really good, per se, but it is very interesting.

Superhero Media: Justice League Dark - Apokolips War

I almost enjoyed Apokolips War, the finale to the "New 52" run of DC animated features, because there are a lot of great moments and cool ideas, but the constant violence and unnecessary brutality just kills it for me. Yes, there is room in the broader cultural context for more violent superhero fare, but why, when there is no other animated version of Superman, Batman or the Justice League out there for children to enjoy, make a film where Superboy gets ripped limb from limb? It's pandering and disgusting. I really never needed to see the Teen Titans eaten alive by monsters and I'm more than a little concerned that some people enjoy that kind of thing. Big slabs of Apokolips War seem to have been thought up by a twelve year old, from the blood and gore, to "grim and gritty" versions of heroes, and right up to the "Paradooms", Parademons, but also Doomsday. Gag me. But through all the raw sewerage of the film, Apokolips War still delivers some great moments.

Having John Constantine be the point-of-view character is genius, because he is pretty human under all the magic powers and cockney bluster, though the resolution for his character arc is pretty poor, basically boiling down to "a wizard did it". Damien feeling guilty and trying to put Dick in the Lazarus Pit, King Shark valuing his friendship with Captain Boomerang and Swamp Thing cutting loose with everything are all great moments, though mostly in isolation, with the story always dragging back to the bleak world left behind after the defeat of the Justice League. Even the, rather clever finale, involving Raven and Constantine unleashing Trigon to fight Darkseid, is kind of telegraphed early on and doesn't make the intended impact by virtue of being too bleeding obvious. Hell, the entire enterprise is essentially pointless as, in the end, Wally opts to Flashpoint again and reboot the universe. DC did a reboot, take a shot.

I'm still far too young to be as tired as I am over superhero films, and the, somehow, continuing trend of making them as nasty and violent as possible. Look, I enjoyed Brightburn, Jessica Jones and every The Punisher film (to a certain extent), there is room in the genre for the harsher takes, but with the Justice League and Teen Titans? Really? Apokolips War doesn't even have the excuse of being an Elseworlds title, it was the main continuity, and it ended in torture, death and cannibalism; stay classy DC. Meanwhile, the competition his Marvel Rising and Ms Marvel for the younger crowds and Werewolf By Night and Wandavision for the grown-ups. I try to not come across as a Marvel fanboy on this blog, but damn if DC don't make it hard to like them sometimes. I hope the next go round for the DCAU is better, both in terms of quality and how they choose to treat their characters.

Superhero Media: Fantasic Four - The Animated Series (1994)

I have fond memories of watching "The Marvel Action Hour" hosted by Stan Lee himself, featuring Iron Man and Fantastic Four. Some years back, I picked up the Iron Man DVDs pretty cheap, from a supermarket of all places, and found it to be not as bad as I remembered. Fantastic Four however, is pretty much almost entirely hot garbage from the second the campy theme song finishes. Yes, I like the campy theme song and they should bring it back for the next film, like with the "Spider-Man Theme" in the Rami films. What makes Fantastic Four so bad? Mostly a lack of money, really; the animation is cheap and repetitive, the scripts are paper-thin and a lot of the acting is odd a lot of the time. There is a conflict in tone between classic Silver Age Fantastic Four comics and trying to be hip and '90s; the Four having a black-tie variety benefit at which Johnny performs a terrible rap, just for example. 

In terms of the classic comic stories though, Fantastic Four is pretty comprehensive, even managing to revisit Doom stealing the power of the Silver Surfer after the first version isn't really all that good. Most of what you'd expect is here, in the forms of Galactus, Skrulls, Mole Man, Inhumans and Kree, plus there is a hefty dose of other Marvel characters, including Hulk being voiced by Ron Perlman. Most of the "guest stars" are from the other 1990s Marvel animated series, but there is the occasional fun surprise, like Ghost Rider, who takes on Galactus with his "Penitent Stare". Of course, we get a good Hulk Vs Thing fight, with plenty of smashing and clobbering and, importantly, no decisive winner, because you want to keep the fans wanting more. 

Probably the thing Fantastic Four does best is show the titular Four in a contemporary setting, which is often considered a difficult task at the very least. Personally, as someone who's actually read a fair few FF comics, I think they work fine in any era, so long as you can maintain the idea of Reed Richards being on the bleeding edge of science and technology. Even this series tries to mess with the formula and fails, with Doom being German for the first few episodes before it shifts to Latveria and moves on. Thing is, the Fantastic Four work as they are and really don't need too much changing. Averaged out, FF was the highest selling monthly comic for the entire Bronze, Dark and Platinum ages, so these are stories we want to see, even if they're not always done well.