Superhero Media: Venom

Wow Venom is a bad film. Seriously, I don't see many films with such a huge budget and major studio support that are as thoroughly poor as this one. The script is bad, the direction is bad, the acting (for the most part) is bad, the CGI is terrible and even the soundtrack is uninspired. It's quite a feat. Yes, before someone has a go at me, Tom Hardy does deliver a brilliant performance and is the one good part of Venom, but he's so idiosyncratic and out of step with every other actor in the piece, that it just clashes with the other mess happening. Even before Eddie Brock encounters the Venom symbiote, Hardy plays the character with odd affectations and overlapping dialog, making him stand out starkly from the much more standard line delivery every other actor is giving. So whilst I'd agree that Tom Hardy is fun to watch in Venom, he does not, and cannot, "save" the film. 

Personally, I don't really feel that there is enough of a character to Venom to really carry his own film, let alone franchise, despite his popularity, as his best work remains in being a "dark mirror" to Spider-Man. Given that Venom is, through it's post-credits sequence, placed firmly in the "Spider-Verse" multiverse, meaning there may actually be no Spider-Man with which Venom can contrast. It's like making a film about the Joker in a world without a Batman, sure you can do it, but you're missing a huge chunk of what makes the character interesting and memorable. Speaking of memorable, I cannot recall the name of any character in Venom other than Eddie and Venom, because none of them make any impact. Wait, John Jameson is referenced in the opening with the space shuttle crash, but as he doesn't transform into the Man-Wolf or appear to have found the Moon Gem, I lost interest pretty fast. 

What else is there to say about Venom? It exists, isn't good and Tom Hardy is fun to watch flail around. How about Upgrade being a better version of the same concept, or the post-credits tease just being a five minute segment of Into the Spider-Verse like the studio knew that was the winner all along? Before the huge boom in superhero cinema, this would have been the end of it, like Spawn or Green Lantern before him, Venom had a bad film and it would have gone away. However, because of a rabid internet fanbase and the fact everyone actually paid money to see this for some reason, we now have a whole Venom "series" to enjoy for years to come. Plenty more of this drab and uninspired take on an, at best, semi-interesting character rolling our way soon, like a turd in the wind. Because that was such a great line apparently.

Fantasy Football IV

I do enjoy doing these, as it lets me bring attention to characters I really like but who may not be as well known as others, or to take a character out of their existing context to try something new with. The reason these are so long between versions is that I'm not actively looking for characters, but rather, they occur to me as I'm watching or otherwise working on other articles for this blog, and they go on a list until I have the five I like to do for each. Rules remain the same as previous entries, I'm considering recruits for a theoretical superhero team to battle evil. The team needs balance, and a range of abilities, but also the personalities can only clash so much, too much of the wrong kind of ego will throw off the balance.

Adam Warlock (from the Jim Starlin run)

Although I'm rarely big on high power-level characters, but there is something charming about the classic Adam Warlock and his all-powerful Soul Gem. Warlock can perform amazing feats, but fear of his own power, and possibly becoming an evil god, keep him in check and force him to fight rather than simply obliterate all before him. Warlock has an unbending will that dives him as well, which would lead to his downfall if he didn't surround himself with dissenting opinions and people who looked at the world a lot less seriously than he does. With his cosmic status, Warlock is also able to see the "big picture" in a way many can't, which can make his actions inscrutable, but always for a higher good.

Batman (as played by Adam West)

No, I swear this isn't a troll, I've been thinking a great deal about which Batman I would want on any theoretical team, and it's this one. Yes, The Animated Series still has the 'best' version of Batman, but the Adam West incarnation has something that most others lack, a focus on intellect and problem-solving over karate chopping mentally ill people in Halloween masks. Sure, sometimes the programme takes an odd tack at this, but Batman's role with the police is that of an advisor, very much a precursor to the concept of The Mentalist or Psych. Despite the mythology that has been built around the character, Batman is just a man who's pretty decent in a fight, his true greatest asset is his mind, especially when surrounded by strictly more 'powerful' heroes, so why not have the version of the character most focused on their mental acumen?


Rando Yaguchi (from Shin Godzilla)

What's this, a politician? What good is he going to be in a fight? Well, here I'm linking more of Henry Gyrich from the old Avengers comics, as the official liaison between a super-team and the government, and, well, good fictional politicians are few and far between. Yaguchi is competent, humble and not so far ingrained in the system that he is inflexible, which is the strength by which he comes to be defined. When confronted by the impossible, in the shape of Godzilla, Yaguchi risks his political career by being flexible enough to embrace unorthodox solutions from iconoclasts and outsiders. That sounds like exactly the guy I'd want advocating for the team of people with random powers who have a history of punching the problem away whilst wearing spandex. Sure we could just nuke it from orbit, but Yaguchi is just asking for one chance with the costuming wearing weirdos.


Red Guardian (from the MCU)

I love him and want to see him get his own solo series on Disney+ at some stage. Red Guardian has always been one of those characters who is better in concept than in execution, that is, until David Harbour put the costume on. From the "Karl Marx" tattoos across his knuckles to the absolute insistence that he fought, and beat, Captain America once, Red Guardian almost stole the entire film along with my heart. In a team, Red Guardian fills the Flash/Hawkeye role of technically being actually useful, but mostly needed for the levity they bring to the dynamic and general humanity that helps ground the aliens and gods around them. Whilst not the strongest fighter, Red Guardian can hold his own against foes like Taskmaster and never gives up, even when coughing up his own blood on the floor and in a giant flying base falling from the sky. Fight on, comrade!


Princess Star Butterfly (like, three episodes before the end of the series, I guess?)

She's a little weird and a little wild, but this extra-dimensional Princess is a powerhouse to be reckoned with. From Narwhal Blasts to Warnicorn Stampedes, Star's magical abilities are more combat-oriented than most comic wizards, but she does show a grasp of magic as a discipline that is deeper than one would think of a teen possessing. Star is a fighter from a long lineage of warrior princesses, not psychically overly strong, but an accomplished brawler who can mix magic with punches better than most. It also bares mentioning that Star is capable of great compassion, as when she attempts to make peace with the monsters in her world, and great sacrifice, as when she is willing to never see Marco again to save the multiverse from magic gone awry. A great hero and a valuable addition to any team. 

Superhero Media: Dragon Ball - Episode of Bardock

Ok, this is gonna be a quick one, as Episode of Bardock is all of twenty minutes long, and there's not much to it. Somehow not dying along with most of his species and his planet, Bardock is flung back in time to the era of Freiza's grandparent, Chilled, somehow before the sayains or tuffles evolved? But there are some slug aliens I can't remember the name of and they have healing goo, which is somehow linked to the healing tanks the Frezia army uses? Ok, so diving into the lore and "science" of Dragon Ball is always a bad decision, but the origins of the Sayian race and how they came to work for Freiza come up often enough that it still kind of bugs me. Turning briefly to my ongoing theories on the generation of the Frost Dynasty however, I will note that Episode of Bardock supports my concept of each new generation being more powerful than the last. 

So Bardock is the first Super Sayian, huh? Well that's pretty neat, and does tie in with the idea that certain Sayian families have a monopoly on the power, at least in the main timeline. Think about it, aside from Broly, only those of the Vegeta and Bardock lineages have ever ascended to the level of Super Sayian in the main universe. Interesting, huh? I'm sure there's a fan essay to be had there for someone more committed to that sort of thing than I. In a twenty minute special, however, Bardock only gets to be Super Sayian for a few minutes, which is more than enough time to defeat Frost and hopefully not create a time paradox because I assume King Cold has already been "born"? I mean, the Time Patrol does pick Bardock up in the games, so there had to have been some kind of shenanigans along the way. 

Probably the best description of Episode of Bardock is "non-essential", there's nothing in it for any but the most die-hard fan, who plays all the games, watches all the programmes and probably even plays at least one of the card games. I myself had some "Mysterious Masked Sayian" in one of my Dragon Ball Super CCG decks back when I played, so the character is around if you look for him, but isn't currently essential to the main story. Then again, the short run-time of Episode of Bardock makes it perfect to get a little taste of DBZ in a short period of time, and at least the animation is decent, even if the story is pretty poor. As for me, it's on to bigger and better DBZ outings.

Spider-Man Mini Campaign - Building a Narrative

Sorry this keeps getting delayed, but rolling COVID lockdowns are pushing the chance to wargame further and further back. On the plus side, I do get more painting done, which kind of speeds up the game planning to a certain degree? Of course, it is a little annoying that I am completing all of these projects and don't get to do anything with them, but I'd rather be keeping my vulnerable friends safe than playing games and getting them killed, y'know?

Anyway, one of the biggest challenges with planning out a SuperSystem Ultimate Alliance game is building in the narrative, so that it doesn't just become an exercise in combat and dice rolling. Yes, the fight is a fun part of any superhero story, but there really needs to be context, otherwise it's superhero UFC and I get bored pretty quick. This is probably why I've never gotten much into the Batman Miniatures Game or Marvel Crisis Protocol, it's just a fight that never really feels organic to me. To that end, I try and build all of my supers games, especially the Ultimate Alliance ones, around something other than a straight punch-up. This doesn't always need to be a grand narrative, but something as simple as a bank robbery, hostage situation or gaol break can work.

Naturally, this being the first game of my "Death of Spider-Man" campaign, the scenario will involve the death of Peter Parker. This complicates things a little, as with any wargame, guaranteeing an outcome will be tricky. There are a few things I can do to help this along, I'm thinking of starting the game with Peter being down some Hits and just kind of stacking the whole scenario against him. What this does mean, as I'm trying to keep the full narrative of the campaign under wraps before it begins, is that I'll have to be careful about who plays which characters in the actual game. Some players are happy to bend to narrative if the game is fun, but there's always those who see dice and numbers and go for the win no matter what. No judgment, I'm playing competitively for the first time in years in a Kill Team League and loving it, but that's just not what SSUA is about.

The primary antagonist for the mission will be 'Venogoblin', a version of Norman Osborn who's hopped himself up on drug symbiote in an insane attempt to finally kill Spider-Man. So, functionally, it will be a one-on-one game, meaning I can skip things like the Initiative Step and just keep the action rolling. To facilitate the 'death' of Peter Parker, both characters will start out a little lower on health, maybe only as much as D3+1 Hits down, with the trick being that Venogoblin can Regenerate, whereas Spider-Man cannot. Add in some conflicting objectives, with Spider-Man having a focus on saving people rather than defeating Osborn, and our hero should be nicely up against it from the first turn. Again, I can't ensure that I'll have the specific outcome I'm looking for, but there's not just the mechanics to consider when I'm doing all this. Unsurprisingly, a big part of a Narrative Campaign is the narrative.

Although I (or probably, a couple of people I rope in) will be playing these games, they won't be "complete" until I get the write-up done on this blog. So as well as planning out this first Spidey Vs Venogoblin game, I'm also doing the fiction that leads into the game and flows out from it. So lets say Spidey somehow gets the better of Venogoblin in the game, through some god-tier rolling or something, well that doesn't matter too much, as I get to write up what happens later. Peter could well defeat Osborn against the odds, yet again, but perhaps he was badly injured in the fight? Maybe Peter finally took one too many Pumpkin Bombs to the face and he just couldn't recover this time? It doesn't have to be something overly epic or special, Into the Spider-Verse had Peter killed by falling machinery and that worked just fine.

Knowing the basics of the game now, I can start to get the details sorted. I have a painted Spider-Man and Venogoblin, and the stat card for Spidey, so I just have one character to write. I have the table and most of the accessories, so what's stopping me from just running the game? Well, last time I ran a series of linked games, way back in the Dark Ages when this was all done on the Lead Adventure Forum, it would take me months to get each new game together, so the enthusiasm just petered out after two games. This time around, especially as I'm only planning 4-6 games in this Campaign, I want to have at least two ready to go at a time so I can arrange games each month or so. On to next time then, where I'll be outlining game two and maybe looking at scheduling game one.

Superhero Media: Bumblebee

So this is what a good Transformers film looks like! I hope we get more, given that Bumblebee was kind of intended as a last gasp to see if there was anything left in the franchise. Isn't that the way sometimes, that the one the producers don't care about ends up being the best one? I mean, I'll still defend the first live-action Transformers as a guilty pleasure, but the rest of the series has been mostly terrible. Stripping everything down to just a handful of Transformers, Bumblebee focuses on the relationship between the titular Autobot and Charlie (Hailee Stienfeld), a young woman with mechanical skill and desperate need of a father figure. The film is a by-the-numbers, coming of age, alien friend film, but it works and this isn't a franchise that really needs to reinvent the wheel or anything. The big story of the day, of course, is a return to more traditional (G1) Transformers designs for the Cybertron sequences and battles on Earth, and look, I'm not a huge Transformers fan at the end of the day, but seeing Ravage jump out of Soundwave's chest was pretty awesome. 

When I get asked by friends how I would adapt a given franchise, my usual response is "start with a good cast and script", which is something Bumblebee does long before G1 Optimus Prime appears. Sure, there is nothing overly deep about the film, or any of the characters, but this is Transformers, not Citizen Kane, the basics are enough. We hit a lot of John Hughes style '80s movie tropes and notes on the journey, but rather than a dance or a skateboarding contest, the film ends with a giant robot fight, which, honestly, probably would have improved Sixteen Candles. What I probably enjoyed best about Bumblebee was that it didn't "feel" embarrassed to be a Transformers film, embracing the silliness and childish joy of the franchise, be it in the form of getting to hear Stan Bush's "The Touch" play in one scene or having John Cena point out that the bad guys are called "Decepticons", and doesn't that sound just a little sus? In many ways, watching Bumblebee feels like watching SHAZAM! after sitting through all the drab and serious DCEU films that came out before it. 

So where to from here? Well, personally, as much as I enjoyed Bumblebee, I think it needs a rest before we get a spate of new films, I know I'm a little sick of them, and the box office returns on this one would indicate that the feeling is common. With a few years grace, a new Transformers series, separated from the old one, could be a big hit if it sticks closer to Bumblebee in execution, by which I mean have a good cast and solid script more so than using G1 designs, but there's nothing wrong with both. I mean, it's not like there aren't several nostalgic animated Transformers series around to tide fans over in lieu of a major motion picture, and you can always play some Bot War. I'm not sure how I feel about the proposed "Hasbro Cinematic Universe", as there will likely be some good ideas in there, but I really don't want to have to cover a My Little Pony film here just so my eventual review of the Revolution film. Also I kind of want Rom to be in the MCU instead, just as a fanboy thing.

Terrain Finished - More Street Scatter

Had these sitting partially-done for quite a while, but rolling pandemic lockdowns have delayed the getting of the right parts, glues and paints. Given how long my table takes to set up (around 45 minutes), I can probably stop adding smaller elements to it, but at this stage it's about incremental improvements more than the big stuff.

Another Porsche, I've had this one since childhood and it's technically a collectable, but I could never seem to sell it online, so it got the wheels glued and will now grace my gaming table.

Knights of Dice street food stands, with some decoration from toys and other kits. I'm considering adding some soft drink bottles or similar, but they're done for now.

Personalised pizzas for the hungry heroes of my gaming table.

Donuts made from craft beads and some MRE containers for take-home mixed Dozens.

Superhero Media: X-Men Dark Phoenix

By the time Dark Phoenix was in the cinema, I had drifted away from the X-Men films that weren't Deadpool or Logan, so I only heard about it second hand for years. When I finally got around to watching Dark Phoenix, I went in expecting a garbage fire along the lines of Apocalypse, but I ended up only finding a bland and boring film that failed to capitalise on anything good it had going. Bland is the order of the day for Dark Phoenix, it doesn't take risks anywhere, even down to the one, momentary, glimpse of the aliens after the Phoenix Force, which turns out to be something more like Signs than any X-Men comic. Even as only a casual reader of X-Men, I seem to remember the aliens most associated with the team to be the Shi'ar, the Brood and the Phalanx, all of whom have a pretty striking look, but clearly no one at the studio wanted to risk being interesting for thirty seconds. Another fun element, there are no new characters in Dark Phoenix that are adaptations from the comics, despite some disposable Magneto followers being perfect for that kind of thing. 

As to the plot, well, it's another stripped-down version of The Dark Phoenix Saga, but at least it uses aliens, but no slow descent to decadence or madness, because I guess Jean Grey is still meant to be a teenager? What year is Dark Phoenix even set in? This timeline doesn't make any sense. If it's the 1990s, then Charles and Magneto should be pushing 70 and Jean should be well into her 20s, but the actors are only a few years older than they were in the last film, so none of it fits at all, no wonder Jennifer Lawrence has the good sense to get killed in the second act. Magneto turns out to be living in some kind of weird anarchist mutant reservation, which almost is a plot point for a hot second, with soldiers in anachronistic (I think? What year is it?) Bell Jet Ranger Hueys making a "we gave you this land" racist argument, but it doesn't go anywhere because we need to get to another CGI mutant fight. As most of the X-Men require some form of CGI to visualise their powers, I'm pretty used to seeing talented actors have to wave their hands around in the air like stoned performing arts students by now.

The X-Men film series is really not great, all things considered, with perhaps 6 "good" films in more than twenty total (X-Men 2, Days of Future Past, The Wolverine, Deadpool, Deadpool 2 and Logan for those keeping score at home), however it remains pretty important in terms of the history of superhero cinema. The first X-Men was part of the late 1990s "rebirth" of superhero cinema, alongside Spider-Man and Blade, and The New Mutants ended the run well after Avengers Endgame redefined the genre as a global phenomenon. X-Men is the "also ran" of the genre, whilst being a star-launching vehicle for several a-list actors over the years and pushing the genre out further where it could. As of the time of writing, The New Mutants isn't out in my country yet, because cinemas are closed due to the COVID-19 pandemic, but I will be getting onto it as soon as it drops on Disney+, because I'm not sure I want to pay actual money for it given the reviews as they stand. This has been a long journey going back over every film, but now I can hopefully branch out into some different stuff. Lots of things popping up on Netflix now.

Miniatures Finished - 01/11/21

I rarely feel like I get to paint what I want to right now, more that I'm painting little projects constantly to get them finished. That's not strictly true, but that's kind of how I'm feeling about painting. Does mean some older things are getting finished though, which I guess is nice.

Astro Boy: A character I've wanted for a while finally joins the Ultimate Alliance! I'll have to borrow the complete 1980s series off a friend again for a "Superhero Media" at some stage. 3D Print.

Kirby Robobot: Remember my other Kirby being a little big? Well this one is pretty much bang-on for scale, which is nice, but now I need to find one not in the suit. Still, this was adorable and I couldn't pass it up. Toy.

Crazy Jane: I bought up the rest of the Doom Patrol that I didn't already own and I wanted to experiment with a new technique for painting black, so this was something of a perfect storm. Heroclix.

Count Vertigo: I actually had this model partially painted for years and got so sick of looking at it, I finished him in one sitting. The sculpt is terrible and not at all fun to paint. Heroclix.

Awesome A-Bomb: I wanted this character for a specific reason, but right now I have no idea what that was. This is a really nice sculpt and was pretty fun and quick to paint. Heroclix.

Kaine: Obscure Spider-Man antagonist for my Spider-Man game series, this is actually a nice little sculpt except the face. Fun, '90s colour scheme as well. Heroclix.

Superhero Media: Teen Titans GO! To the Movies

For those yet to get in on Teen Titans GO! as a series, you're missing out on one of the best DC films ever in Teen Titans GO! To the Movies; no, really. When the Teen Titans fail to defeat Balloon Man because they're rapping and dancing, the Justice League chastises them for being silly and lets slip that they're on the way to a film premiere. Tagging along uninvited, the Titans discover that not only is Batman getting another film, but Alfred, the Batmobile and the Utility Belt are all getting their own films before Robin. Embarking on a mission, the Titans try to get Robin a movie deal whilst working against the machinations of Slade, played here by Will Arnett. The plot may be basic, but the pace of Teen Titans GO! To the Movies is unrelenting, with scenes and ideas firing as rapidly as the jokes so that even if something doesn't land, the next bit is already here to enjoy. The humor ranges from literal fart jokes through to meta-comentary on the Superhero film industry, so there's something in there for pretty much everyone, including a Stan Lee cameo. Actually, one of the best Stan Lee cameos ever done. 

It was quite a while between viewings of Teen Titans GO! To the Movies for me, so I had forgotten just how great a film it was, from the cast (Nic Cage as Superman), the songs and especially some of the jokes. From low-hanging fruit like the "Martha" scene in Dawn of Justice, some of the jokes are almost transcendent, like Cyborg tricking Superman by pretending to be Lois and claiming "I'm being held prisoner by Gene Hackman's real estate scheme". References to the series, including waffles and a thorough disdain for windows, are pretty thick, but even if you've never seen an episode of Teen Titans GO!, there is plenty to enjoy. Part of what makes Teen Titans GO! To the Movies so good is the voice cast, because although the focus is on Robin (Scott Menville), the rest of the voice actors, including Tara Strong, Greg Cipes, Hynden Walch and Khary Payton, have been working as a team for years, hitting the same kind of cohesion like the Futurama team. Some of the best scenes almost come across as ad-libbed sketches with each member of the team having a space to riff. 

So why hasn't Robin been in many DC films? Well, a certain subset of the Batman fandom hates the character, or anything fun in comics, and probably their own lives, and they never shut up, so the industry thinks they represent more than just a few sad shut-ins. So take back the genre, watch Teen Titans GO! To the Movies instead of Joker or The Dark Knight again, it's fucking hilarious. The soundtrack is even pretty great if you just want to check that out, several of the songs are on my work playlist. Personally, I also enjoy the juxtaposition of crazy nonsense and deep lore that is Teen Titans GO!, but I understand why it can be off-putting, leaving this film as an excellent compromise for when I need to convince a date to let me watch more of the programme when it pops up on Netflix. I wish the DCU films were as good as Teen Titans GO! To the Movies, in that they're not often as cleverly written as the dumb cartoon with the fart jokes, and the deeply clever meta comedy.