Tuesday, July 10, 2018

More Smash Characters - Wishful Thinking

Been on the Smash train a bit lately, playing my 2DS on the train ride to and from work, just getting my skills up before the new one drops, which may have been ages ago by the time you're reading this, but whatever. I'll happily admit that these articles are nothing more that ego-stroking fan-fiction exercises, why pretend they're anything grander than that? Hell, depending on how my other projects go, you may have already seen my Smash-inspired Super Mission Force project in action, as I've made the decision to publish AARs and similar articles as soon as they're done, rather than leave them for over a year. What do you guys want? It's not like I get paid for this.  
The following is a list of characters that I'd really like to see in Smash, not so fussed about what other people think, though I'll admit that these are real long-shots, especially given their lack of popularity in Japan.

Ratchet and Clank
Yes, I'm a big fan and there's probably no way that Sony will be up for "loaning" the characters to Nintendo for any reason but, hear me out on this one. Insomniac games clearly don't care about the Ratchet & Clank series anymore with the crappy reboot being the last thing done, so porting the characters to Smash would be a quick and easy way to keep an income from the IP. A few cents from every Nintendo eStore download and Amiibo sale would add up quickly and maybe enough to give us a satisfying end to the Future series at some stage. Hey, this is a Wish List after all.

Earthworm Jim
Technically a classic SNES-era character in his own right, Earthworm Jim has always been a lot of fun in how he plays and move and I'd feel that it would translate well to Smash. Blasting with his ray gun, swinging on his own earthworm body like a rope and using Snot as a parachute would all fit the ethos of Smash perfectly. A Final Smash were Jim pulls out the Barn Blaster and clears the screen would fit nicely too. He probably doesn't need to bring Peter Puppy, PsyCrow or Professor Monkey for a Head with him as playable characters, but assist trophies would be fun to see.

A Boy and his Blob
I actually really enjoy the original A Boy and his Blob, despite its many flaws, having finished it more than once on emulator. The difficulty and awkwardness of the game is offset for me by the unique ideas and atmosphere provided. I'm yet to play the Wii version because I can't find a copy, but I'm happy to see the characters back for a new generation to discover. For those not in the know, the Blob is able to transform its shape into almost anything when given the right flavour of jellybean by the Boy and now you're probably getting an idea of how cool these two would be in Smash. Have one of the Fighter Stances be a hug and the Final Smash is feeding Blob a grape jellybean to make him into the Giant.

Joanna Dark
Essentially everyone my age has played more than a few hours of Goldeneye on N64, due to the issues around licensed games we never got a true sequel, but I always felt Perfect Dark was underrated. (I also like Rogue Agent, but mainly for the insane setting and Bond fan-baiting) The secret agent protagonist, Joanna Dark is a fun mix of Lara Croft and Solid Snake with a great variety of weapons and equipment, including guns that shoot through walls and temporary invisibility. Although she may not be the most iconic characters in video game history, Joanna Dark is probably the closest my generation will get to connecting with all those hours spent playing Goldeneye in Smash.

Conker
I'm a big fan of The Venture Bros and own all the DVDs; there's this one scene towards the end of Season 4 where people are describing what they think a sex move called the "Rusty Venture" is. It's a pretty graphic scene and really funny if you're into that sort of thing, but the version that can be found on YouTube with the "censor bleeps" is, in my opinion, actually funnier. Despite being known best for the most adult game on N64, Conker doesn't 'need' to bring all of his fluids, stimulants and language to Smash to work as a character. With enough sarcasm, bleeped dialogue and not-quite-PC antics, Conker would fit well without breaking the family-friendly tone. Think something along the lines of The Simpsons, where the 'adult' humour is pitched to go over the heads of the kids watching anyway. 

Sorry to say, but I have a few more of these in me yet, stay tuned.

Tuesday, July 3, 2018

Superhero Media: Fant4stic

Where do I start with this garbage fire? Almost every element of this film screams "studio mandates", even down to its very existence. Clearly Fox were desperate to hold onto the license in a post-Avengers world, but it *had* to be a hit, so let's include everything from every hit film that didn't involve superheroes from the past decade? See what I mean, none of this makes sense! Hire the director of Chronicle, then cut his dreary film to something even less exciting? I can't even. This is almost Super Buddies bad. And I'm not just saying that because I like Fantastic Four comics, this is just genuinely a bad film. There was one scene, just the one, that I kind of liked, where Victor Doom (he doesn't deserve to be called Doctor Doom) is walking through a hallway, killing people by looking at them and bullets can't even touch him; sure, the character is bad, but that scene finally shows off just how powerful Doom should be. 



What I don't get is how Fantastic Four seems impossible to adapt? The Incredibles is the template, it's a family of superheroes who are also some of the biggest celebrities on the planet, seems like an easy pitch. Somehow though, we always end up with half-measures and odd little designs. Like, is it too much to ask that both Johnny and Sue Storm be the same race? I don't care which race, just make them look like siblings. Also, Doom is the greatest comic supervillain of all time, maybe put a bit or care and attention into how he's done? Doom is the dictator of a small European nation, has an Iron-Man style suit of armour, is a wizard, saved his mother from hell, is thousands of years old and genuinely believes that only he can save the world. Maybe stop killing him off in the first film? God forbid maybe do a Doom film or lay him in over a few films? Yes, I'm a fan, but this still seems like pretty basic narrative layout to me. 


Don't watch this film. Not just because it's a bad Fantastic Four film, or a bad superhero film; it's just straight-up a terrible film and not worth wasting your time. The characters are bland, the plot makes no sense and it looks drab and awful. It was made for selfish reasons by a corporation that only wanted to get something into cinemas and did not care about the quality of what they produced, it's bad for the film industry to encourage that kind of behavior, don't give this shit any more oxygen.