Tuesday, July 3, 2018

Superhero Media: Fant4stic

Where do I start with this garbage fire? Almost every element of this film screams "studio mandates", even down to its very existence. Clearly Fox were desperate to hold onto the license in a post-Avengers world, but it *had* to be a hit, so let's include everything from every hit film that didn't involve superheroes from the past decade? See what I mean, none of this makes sense! Hire the director of Chronicle, then cut his dreary film to something even less exciting? I can't even. This is almost Super Buddies bad. And I'm not just saying that because I like Fantastic Four comics, this is just genuinely a bad film. There was one scene, just the one, that I kind of liked, where Victor Doom (he doesn't deserve to be called Doctor Doom) is walking through a hallway, killing people by looking at them and bullets can't even touch him; sure, the character is bad, but that scene finally shows off just how powerful Doom should be. 

What I don't get is how Fantastic Four seems impossible to adapt? The Incredibles is the template, it's a family of superheroes who are also some of the biggest celebrities on the planet, seems like an easy pitch. Somehow though, we always end up with half-measures and odd little designs. Like, is it too much to ask that both Johnny and Sue Storm be the same race? I don't care which race, just make them look like siblings. Also, Doom is the greatest comic supervillain of all time, maybe put a bit or care and attention into how he's done? Doom is the dictator of a small European nation, has an Iron-Man style suit of armour, is a wizard, saved his mother from hell, is thousands of years old and genuinely believes that only he can save the world. Maybe stop killing him off in the first film? God forbid maybe do a Doom film or lay him in over a few films? Yes, I'm a fan, but this still seems like pretty basic narrative layout to me. 

Don't watch this film. Not just because it's a bad Fantastic Four film, or a bad superhero film; it's just straight-up a terrible film and not worth wasting your time. The characters are bland, the plot makes no sense and it looks drab and awful. It was made for selfish reasons by a corporation that only wanted to get something into cinemas and did not care about the quality of what they produced, it's bad for the film industry to encourage that kind of behavior, don't give this shit any more oxygen.

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