Superhero Media: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power

I remember seeing a few reviews of She-Ra and the Princesses of Power in which the author seemed to not be sure just how queer the programme was in the early seasons; myself, less than three episodes in, I was like "yep, this is gay alright". For once, I am using "gay" as a prerogative, though not to be at all insulting or dismissive, She-Ra is just super gay and that's part of what makes it amazing. For me there was a moment very early on, possibly even in the first episode (the issue with binging a programme being that individual episodes tend to blend together), where Catra is seen to not actually have her own bunk in the barracks, but habitually sleeps curled up at Adora's feet. I know that's also a visual gag about Catra being a cat, but their whole relationship and how Catra has been shaped by it, is super gay. So yes, She-Ra is just as woke, queer, technicolor and Hopepunk as you've probably heard, all whilst being well written, pretty damn smart and having a great cast. Sure, the last season feels a little rushed, but overall the programme is solid and well worth a watch. 

What I liked most about She-Ra is that it answered a question I'd had in the back of my mind for a few years; how do you do superheroes in a fantasy setting? Most fantasy settings already have beings with more-than-human powers, so is there a need for anything like a costumed hero? I've seen a few attempts in roleplaying games over the years, the Grey Guardian[s] in Pathfinder, a friend's Exalted campaign and even a recurring character in my own early Dungeons & Dragons with something of an Immortus vibe. It works in She-Ra because the titular Princesses have access to greater magical powers than the general populous of Etheria and the Horde primarily relies on technology that is weak to most forms of magic. In contrast, Bow and Entrapta use technology and are (mostly) on the hero team (I could write a whole essay about Entrapta's neurodiversity and her political agnosticism inadvertently enabling fascism), so there is a role for technology, when used harmoniously with nature and the magic native to Etheria. The whole setting is reasonably rich and deep for this kind of programming, and could make for some fun gaming. 

She-Ra and the Princesses of Power is pretty amazing, but much like Adventure Time or Big Hero 6 - The Series, the drawbacks come from being a programme for children and tweens. It's great that the world presented has queer, genderqueer and ACE representation, but I suspect in hindsight, that will just become the norm and it won't stand out as much any more. I'm getting a big cult vibe from She-Ra, like I'll be hearing about it for years from a handful of people and my liking, but not loving, the series will cause some friction with die-hard fans. And look, that's fine, my love of Tron is more than enough of a fanboy obsession that I'll forgive it in others, especially when the love is driven by hopepunk inclusive wokeness. I'm not going to be chasing down any miniatures of these characters for my own games, though I would consider Entrapta if I found one, but I would 100% be behind someone dropping models down for SuperSystem or Frostgrave if that's what they wanted to do.

Miniatures Finished: The Harvestmen

This is going to sound more "creepypasta" than this blog tends to be, but I had the idea for these robots once whilst going through my bits box and it just wouldn't leave my head. I actually dreamed about them a couple of times, so I decided to actually put them together. I mean, I dream about a lot of strange things, so this wasn't so bad, more like an idea that I had to get done so it left me alone.

The Harvestmen

From a dark and tormented city known only as The Basilisk, where nightmares are made in fused machinery and flesh, the Harvestmen come crawling, seeing new parts to make more of their number. Bladed fingers test the air, blind masks turn towards hiding places with unerring accuracy as their victims flee in vain.

Primarily made from Games Workshop parts, with the leader built around a Knight Models Scarecrow I had.

I guess I've had techno-horror on the brain for a while and this was the result?

Although these models have already appeared in a Bush Wars game (of all things), they're probably set to appear in my next lot of Multiverse shenanigans and some other supers games where I want more horror-based antagonists.

Superhero Media: Tron Legacy

I remember when I first saw Tron Legacy at the cinema; it was opening day, I went to the first showing and I don't remember more than one other person being in the cinema. It was magic. I have a bit of a soft spot for Tron to begin with, but Tron Legacy was everything I could have asked for. When the Daft Punk soundtrack started up, when the Recogniser landed, when Flynn's Arcade lit up, I was transported. A few days later, I took my then girlfriend to see the film, she hadn't seen Tron and was a few years younger than me, but I thought she would enjoy it. She did not. When I asked around as to who among my friends had seen Tron Legacy and what they thought about it, the response was also pretty negative. Not to be "that guy", but I really think most people don't get Tron Legacy; it's a story of gods and mortals, of faith and religion, of fathers and sons, and, perhaps most of all, about the power of belief in dictatorships. Tron Legacy is a masterwork of Science Fiction, but it seems no one will ever know. 

Years after the disappearance of Flynn, his son, Sam receives a clue to to his possible whereabouts which leads him to an old Tron machine at Flynn's Arcade. Before you can say "iconic sequence", Sam is sucked into The Grid and is soon fighting for his life in a nightmare dystopia ruled over by Clu, the dark, digital reflection of Flynn. The Grid is beautiful, in high-contrast gloss colours like a neo-noir fever dream, with sleek edges and hard lines to evoke the look of the original Tron whilst still remaining something entirely new; visually, Tron Legacy is a feast, better even that Avatar in my opinion. Then there's the overarching narrative, whilst Sam isn't all that interesting in of himself, the ongoing conflict between Flynn and Clu holds deep meaning. The most obvious comparison would be Paradise Lost, with Clu in the Lucifer role, but it is Flynn who is cast into the wilderness and the Isos are spawned from nowhere, so the text I'd be inclined to consider would be William Blake's The Marriage of Heaven and Hell. Clu is the Urizen aspect of God, measuring out the world and not accepting of chaos and emotion interfering with his good works. 

Flynn, the true creator, retreats from his creation, while his greatest champion, Tron, is slain and resurrected to serve the Antagonist, not dissimilar to Blake's take on the Archangel Michael. Am I saying Tron Legacy is a postmodernist, digitalist take on the works of William Blake? Probably not, especially when the writer's other works are considered in the context, but the reading is there to be made and there's a decent Thesis in it for anyone who cares to try. Oh and the conflict between the spontaneously-generating Isos and the Programs made by Flynn is a whole other thing that we'll have to discuss in the next one of these. Yes, there will be a next one, as I've found one more piece of Tron media, and it explores the Isos better, so watch out for that somewhere down the track. Tron Legacy is amazing, and with any justice and a sliver of hope, it will become a cult classic for future generations. 

Danton - Part V

Ok, second-to-last one of these, but somehow the longest. Still we're almost done with this jaunt into my first youthful foray into multiverse superhero-ish writing. I can't say it hasn't been pretty awkward going over this for me, but at least I've seen the origins of some of my broader concepts and tropes, which is pretty cool for a writer.

Prelude to Bonaparte - A Danton Adventure

A young General, Napoleon Bonaparte, has risen to prominence under Dracula's regime. He is raised to the rank of General after the Schama War, being before the reunification of France a mercenary, continuing to lead his same force independently of Chewbaca in the Zombie Jesus War. During the final battle with Zombie Jesus, Napoleon discovers his ability to fire energy blasts. As a reward for his service in both the Schama and Zombie Jesus campaigns, Chewbaca grants Napoleon stewardship of Brittany.

This position makes Napoleon hunger for power, he stages a coup, killing Chewbaca and taking control of the French Lawyer army, adding it to his mercenary force. Napoleon embarks upon a naval voyage to the Middle East; upon arriving, he leads his army to victory in Jerusalem and takes for himself the Lance of Longinus, thereby becoming nigh-invincible. Upon returning to France, Napoleon discovers that it has been taken over and is ruled by a Decepticon who can transform into a Guillotine. The armies of Napoleon easily conquer France again, but are unable to penetrate the walls of Paris. Napoleon commissions Einstein to build a chronosphere.

After the chronosphere is completed, Napoleon shifts into Paris and confronts Guillotron. The battle between Guillotron and Napoleon carries on for days, much of Paris is leveled between Napoleon's Gallic Gun and Guillotron's Blaster Canon. In desperation, Napoleon uses the chronosphere on Guillotron, while he is stunned, Napoleon uses his Final Flash, which raises almost of that is left standing in Paris and destroys Guillotron. In the wreckage of Guillotron, Napoleon finds the first Dragon Ball...

Superhero Media: The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen - Century

I was originally intending to review each of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen Century volumes (1910, 1969 and 2009) individually, but, truth be told, I only really like 2009, and didn't feel like doing separate reviews of the two I didn't enjoy. Not that I feel Century is a bad read, just that if I don't follow through to the final volume, the first two are dissatisfying. Returning from their travels around the world, the, now-immortal, trio of Alan, Mina and Orlando return to the service of Mycroft Holmes, defending England from the impossible threats that haunt the shadows of the world. Joined, at first, by Carnaki the Ghost Hunter and and A.J. Raffles, the team must, across a century of action, prevent the creation and rise of the Antichrist. Friends have told me that Century is hard to read, and that they find it pretentious, as parts are essentially extended references to things Moore has watched, read and written. There is a truth to that criticism, but as a Literature nerd, I love it. 

Much of the story of Century may not make sense if you haven't also read Black Dossier, as that story comes between 1910 and 1969 in the broader narrative, and is referenced heavily in 2009. The through-line of fighting the Antichrist, however, is centred in Century, culminating with Mary Poppins (aka GOD) descending from the sky to turn the Beast into chalk. Oh, and the Antichrist is Harry Potter, feel like I may have buried the lead on that one. In Century, Harry is the "Moonchild" brought into the world to force the next cycle into darkness by Oliver Haddo, a semi-immortal occultist, whose adventures peel off from the books at some point, ending with Harry becoming aware of his nature and going on a murdering rampage through Hogwarts. If you're a diehard Potter fan, I'm sure it's pretty disgusting, but again, still way less offensive than JKR at this point. The heroes are not the best, they lose and fail repeatedly, but win out in the end despite their failings as individuals; it is certainly an interesting read. 

The prose story in Century is "Minions of the Moon" in which Mina (in her superhero guise of Vull the Invisible), the Galley-wag and his Dutch Dolls travel to the Moon to prevent a war between the Selenites and the Amazon Women on the Moon. I love comics. I'm not as enamoured with "Minions of the Moon" as I was "Alan and the Sundered Veil", but the brief interlude where Mina as Vull discusses the death of Stardust the Super Wizard with Captain Universe (probably not the one you're thinking of) is amazing in all the ways that make the comic nerd in me happy. I'd love a story expanding on Mina's team of superheroes, but we'll get to that soon enough. As a continuation to the first two volumes of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Century may leave some fans wanting, with even less heroics and fewer iconic characters, but the series remains ripe with brilliant ideas for superhero games of all kinds. If you can stomach the deep-dive into the mind of Alan Moore, the series is very rewarding, even if it never quite gets back to the levels of the first two volumes.

Danton - Part IV

You know, when I started writing these up again, I really had no idea just how much of it there was. I mean, I wrote this all in a few dull History lessons in 2004, that's long enough ago that it's pretty fuzzy for me, so I guess I suspected I didn't do all that much of this? And we're only halfway, well halfway-ish, so I hope you're not as sick of this as I'm getting.


Danton 4: Napoleon Ball Z

While Danton and company were defeating Robespierre in Otherworld, France was conquered by Napoleon, through an alliance with Chewbacca and his army of lawyers. Napoleon became Emperor by finding the Lance of Longinus and forging a series of rings. Now he seeks to become immortal by finding the Dragon Balls; to achieve this he dispatches Inspector Clouseau. Meanwhile Blanka/Danton returns from Otherworld, when he sees what has happened to France, he travels to Paris and challenges Napoleon to single combat, be prize being leadership of France. With the powers of the Lance of Longinus and the One Ring, Napoleon could easily defeat Blanka/Danton, but instead prolongs the combat, making a fool of Blanka/Danton before blasting him to Russia with the Kamehameha technique.

Burning for revenge, Blanka/Danton seeks out allies to fight Napoleon; he stumbles upon Simon Schama, who has led the Mongolians to victory across Asia, forging a massive empire. After striking a deal, Schama dispatches Sniper Wolf to assassinate Clouseau; he fails miserably and is killed by Link. Schama's army marches across Europe, making allies against France. In fear, Napoleon visits a coven of witches, who tell him that "No man of a woman born" can kill him. Now over-confident, Napoleon leaves his army to its own devices, awaiting the final battle in his Volcano Death Fortress.

Without their leader, the French army is quickly defeated by Schama's hardened veterans. Blanka/Danton and Schama confront Napoleon, unfortunately Clouseau has returned with all of the Dragon Balls. Napoleon wishes himself immortal and proceeds to brutally kill Blanka/Danton. Despite his advanced battle-armour, Schama looks doomed, until, at the last minute, Doctor Strange returns from the Hell Dimension in which he was trapped. Strange opens a Dead Zone into which Napoleon is drawn and sealed forever. Schama and Doctor Strange establish democratic rule in France.

Superhero Media: The Shadow

I picked up a DVD of The Shadow on a whim after being reminded that the film existed by an internet video. I had seen the film many years previously, but didn't really remember much except the living dagger and invisible hotel, so when I put it on one afternoon I was in for a big surprise. The Shadow is pretty goofy and very Golden Age in it's approach, but with that comes all the violence, moral ambiguity and mix of magic and science that made Golden Age comics such a trip. Before becoming The Shadow, Lamont Cranston is a warlord in the badlands of rural China, having slipped into violence and unrelenting rage during the Great War and just walked until he found a place where those things led to profit. Encountering a holy man in the mountains, Lamont learns to harness the evil side of his nature and use it to fight for good, to become, The Shadow! With powers of suggestion, mesmerism and two massive guns, The Shadow brings justice to the dark corners of New York City. 

Yes, The Shadow stars Alec Baldwin, from when he was young and sexy, if you can believe that, but the rest of the cast is pretty awesome to behold; Tim Curry, Peter Boyle and Ian McKellen all have roles, as well as a bunch of great Asian-American actors from your favouite Cult films. David Lo Pan anyone? Oddly, the main antagonist, Shiwan Khan, is played by John Lone, never did too many films in the West, Rush Hour being the only other of his that I have seen. Oh, and "Magical Descendant of Genghis Khan" is a brilliant bad guy and now I'm eyeing off some 28mm Mongols as antagonists; but why not long-lost sons of other dictators like Norman Bonaparte, Caligula Jr or Albert Hitler? Throw in an anachronistic nuclear bomb, some brilliant Art Deco sets and a couple of classic pulpy death-traps and The Shadow is a heck of a lot of fun, if nothing else. Yes, the '90s CGI is pretty terrible now and the film is dated in other ways, but for its time, The Shadow is one of the better examples of the genre. 

I know I keep saying this, but I really need to get around to doing some more Pulp Gaming. I already have The Shadow, Green Hornet, Mandrake and The Phantom painted, and I have The Woman in Red and The Spirit somewhere undercoated. Also I just picked up some plastic WWII Germans in greatcoats for baddies, so I'm pretty much set if I just get my arse into gear. Many of the Golden Age and Pulp comics are pretty dated, being very racist, sexist and homophobic by current standards, but the settings and adventures can be tweaked to suit quite easily, just look at Atomic Robo or The Marvels Project. I find pulp can be a great way to use more of your miniatures collection for Supers as well, some Fantasy Undead at a a creepy temple, WWII tanks and infantry as antagonists, even your sci-fi aliens as "invaders from Mars"; anything goes, so just throw it in and see what works. And if you have the chance to check out The Shadow while you're prepping games, all the better. 

Miniatures Finished: Comrade Dinosaurs

I have been slowly expanding my collection of Bot War miniatures, focusing mainly on my Red Star dinoborgs, because who doesn't love communist dinosaurs? I'm yet to really crack winning with them on the table, but one of my regular Bot War opponents is pretty cutthroat, so maybe it's not all me?

Glorious revolutionary dinosaurs march forth to expand the Warsaw Pact!

Pacheoborgs, hard-headed and tough, but sadly not great in the game. From Trader's Galaxy, of course, but with machine guns from an Osprey sprue.

TREX and the Stegoborg are the backbones of the force, though Rex is a little slow, it is a new army and I have more to figure out.

Superhero Media: Tron Uprising

I had heard a lot of good things about Tron Uprising, an animated series set before Tron Legacy expanding on the backstory, but I was in for a serious shock when I finally got around to watching it on Disney+. Created by Adam Horowitz (sadly not Ad-Rock), known for Lost, Once Upon A Time and other cult programmes, the cast includes Elijah Wood, Mandy Moore, Paul Reubens, Lance Henriksen, Reginald VelJohnson and Bruce Boxleitner (the original Tron), making for quite a creative team. In Ar-Con city, a major hub on the Grid, Clu's forces move in and Blake, a young mechanic program, finds himself fighting back against the occupation, soon attracting the attention of none other than Tron. Despite being billed as a bridging series between Tron and Tron Legacy, Tron Uprising is heavily weighted towards the latter, in terms of design, tone and even in using a poorly-processed version of the Daft Punk soundtrack. The animation is also a little odd, with characters having slightly askew proportions, which takes a little getting used to. 

Quibbles aside, along with the typical limitations of animated television for children, Tron Uprising is at times transcendentally good, crafting a world at once truly alien but very real. Although I'm not fond of the exaggerated character models, the landscapes of Ar-Con and the surrounding wilderness can be breathtaking, a neon-noir dreamscape in contrasting blue and red palettes. Due to the smaller budget, the beauty of the scenes never reaches Into the Spider-Verse levels, but as someone trying to keep up their enthusiasm for making cyberpunk miniatures and terrain, Tron Uprising was an inspiration. More so than other entries of the series, Tron Uprising is a superhero series, with Blake taking on the mantle of Tron while the original heals from grievous wounds suffered when rebelling against Clu. Later on it is revealed that Blake is not the first program that Tron has tried to train, and there is a trail of bodies and regrets behind him. The fight is almost impossible to win, but giving up is not an option. 

Sadly, there isn't any closure to Tron Uprising, with the season finale merely bridging to the next season, which never came. The growth and change that characters undergo is comparable to efforts like Gravity Falls, with a several episode arc dedicated to antagonist Paige and her journey from medical professional to willing participant in the Occupation. To say I would have liked more of Tron Uprising is an understatement, though probably not all that much more, perhaps only a second season to tie up events and lead into the main narrative of Tron Legacy. As much as they're not truly deep characters for the most part, I want to see what happens to Blake and Paige and how Tron becomes Rinzler, but it seems I never will get that story. There is also precious little new information of the Isos and how their appearance drove Clu to despotism, which would have hopefully have come up more in the second season that never was. If you have Disney+, this one is well worth the 19-episode watch between other things.

Drokk the Law!! - Part XIV

The quarterly game with Andy rolled around last weekend, and whilst I didn't quite get the painting done I wanted, it didn't really matter, as playing fun games with a friend is much more important that what is and isn't painted to my usual standard. It still bugs me though. We got two games in, Scrawl War and Demolition, and whilst I did win both, it was usually pretty close and both games had a good narrative flow. 

Andy's terrain on my new mat, plus some NWA club stuff for low-level cover. I'm not a huge fan of how "bitsy" it looks currently, especially when compared to my Necromunda, SuperSystem or Nocturnal tables, but hopefully it comes together in leaps and bounds if we're only playing every few months. I'm also hoping that next time Brutal Cities is doing a print run, I'm doing better work-wise and can justify a bundle. 

The first game saw Andy's Brian Ansell Blockers (Street Gang) versus my Yakuza (Mobsters) in a Scrawl War, a scenario where gangs have to spray tags on certain places. It's a fun and objective-based mission that requires movement and cleverly punishes just rolling over your opponent with gunfire. I won't transcribe the entire mission here, but basically there's four Scawls and whoever controls the most at the end of the game wins. So even a gang that runs off due to casualties can win if they got more Scawls done. 

I was up against it from the start, as Andy's Blockers had a Heavy Spit Gun (basically a LMG) and more long-range firepower than my Yakuza, who are more built for close and medium range fights. My gang pushed up through cover as best as possible, but my Blitzer went down the second he poked a toe out, and I didn't do a lot with return fire. Andy had two Scawls before I could get my gang into position to take even one.

The game turned around for me when I actually gave up and did something silly. My gang leader is armed only with a Katana, and often doesn't get to do a lot, so when I had nothing left to use, he broke cover to slice an enemy Scrawler in half. Andy loves a good scrap, so his leader leapt out of a window to clash blades with mine, but my rolling won out and I claimed my second scalp for the game. Of course, his spree was ended on the next turn by the Heavy Spit Gun, but it was a fun run while it lasted.

Emboldened, I pushed forward with my remaining gangers, taking out the Heavy Spit gun with a lucky shot throw the window with a pistol, so that my Punk could run out on the balcony for the last unclaimed Scawl. At this point, Andy was down to one model, and would have won if he had failed a Will To Fight (morale) roll, but the stubborn bastard just stuck it out, enabling the Yakuza to convert a third Scawl for the win. 

Game two was Demolition, with the City-Def trying to prevent known robot terrorists, Blood in the Machine, from destroying a statue. In order to complete the mission, the robots have to perform a total of 8 Special Actions in contact with the statue, which can be done by any number of models across different turns. Though they're outnumbered and out-gunned, all the City-Def have to do is drive the Robots off to win. 

My initial plan was to have Vendi and Call-Me-Kermit cover Haro2-Goodbye while he completed the mission, relying on his armour and 7 Hits to get the job done as fast as possible. However, I underestimated the City-Def's spit guns and trigger-happy tendencies, and Haro2 was low on Hits after just two lucky shots. 

In order to get the City-Def out of cover, I sent Haro2 straight across the plaza and into melee, where he's pretty much unstoppable, and picked off any City-Def he could get his claws on. Meanwhile, the other Robots converged on the objective, alternating between laying down covering fire and planting the bombs. With three robots on the statue, I won pretty quick, especially with Haro2 taking down all but one of the City-Def members.

This gaming day was mostly about just catching up and seeing where projects were at, next time we'll put in a little more planning and try a few new things, maybe even do the campaign stuff. I have a few more models on the painting table for Dredd, so expect to see another one of these before too long.

Superhero Media: Professor Marston and the Wonder Women

The story of William Moulton Marston, his wife Elizabeth, their girlfriend, Olive Byrne, and their collaboration to create Wonder Woman is the stuff of comics legend, but the story is often played for sensation, rather than being allowed to stand on its own. Professor Marston and the Wonder Women is one of the most sensitive and accurate retellings of the story, even if it does focus on William Marston more than the other characters and skims over some of the more interesting elements of Golden Age Wonder Woman comics. Having been in a polyamourous relationship for years, it is pretty common to find yourself being gawked at and asked plenty of invasive questions, and that was the 2020s, not the 1930s, but I do find myself wishing that the "sex stuff" wasn't the major focus of the story. Another failing, at least to my eye, of Professor Marston and the Wonder Women is that the invention of the polygraph is covered as a side note, and no time is given to Elizabeth Marston's later rebuking of the device as useless for intended purpose. 

Those quibbles aside, Professor Marston and the Wonder Women is masterful, a brilliant film that touches on many themes yet still serves as an excellent biography. Perhaps more so than any other creator of the Golden Age, the Martsons and Olive led fascinating lives, through the Great War and being early professors of psychology as the discipline moved from out of philosophy at the academic level, only really Anarchist Wizard Alan Moore can challenge this trio for an exciting life story. Wow, can I please get an Alan Moore biopic? That sounds pretty amazing now that I'm thinking about it. Talk about the "sex stuff" being some of the least interesting parts of the story. As to that same "sex stuff" though, the few minutes of Bondage, Pornography and Submission in Professor Marston and the Wonder Women are much better, healthier and more realistic representations of such than several hours of EL James adaptation can manage. There are better ways to learn about Bondage/S&M/BDSM if you want to know more, but for what this film is, I honestly expected much worse than what I got. There is a moment of triumph when Olive ties Elizabeth up for the first time that eclipses even the creation of the polygraph. 

As a documentary on the history of DC comics and the origins on Wonder Woman, Professor Marston and the Wonder Women leaves much to be desired, but as a piece of history, covering a man and the women he loved, and loved him, and loved each other, it is uniquely wonderful. Something that I struggle with when reading a lot of fiction is I don't see a great deal of alternate relationship models, such as ethical non-monogomy, in some ways it tends to be even less represented than queer relationships; I mean, how many couples in television series don't end up with a child, just for example? The fact that Professor Marston and the Wonder Women didn't get a broad cinema release pretty much anywhere doesn't give me a lot of hope for broader representation of alternate relationship models. Amazing how little has changed in that regard in nearly one hundred years. While we're at it, let's bring the bondage, discipline and submission back to Wonder Woman, I'm sure there's plenty of room for it in the next Gal Gadot film. Until then, this film is well worth your time to track down and enjoy.

Thinking Out Loud: The Foreman Paradox

Here's a little Doctor Who fan-theory that I posted on my personal Facebook a couple of years ago.

The character of Susan Foreman causes a lot of friction with fans, as the First Doctor claimed that she was his granddaughter, so is she a Time Lady, human or something else?

If we take the novel Lungbarrow as true (which of course we do), then we know that the Time Lord Houses do not reproduce sexually, they are "woven on genetic looms", rendering every member of that House a 'cousin', eschewing what humans would consider a familial structure of parents and offspring. We also know that not every Gallifreyian is a Time Lord/Lady, as it is a rank attained through the Time Lord Academy, however, most members of the Time Lord Houses are assumed to be put through this education and eventual transformation. The Doctor famously only graduated by a slim margin on his fourth attempt. It is only after their first regeneration that a Time Lord attains the physical state of that rank, as the First Doctor only had one heart, but the Second Doctor had two.

Given her apparent age, and deference to the Doctor, we can assume that Susan has not regenerated, and given that the Doctor placed her in an educational institution, she has either not yet entered the Academy, or was in the process of studying and had not yet graduated. It is possible that Susan is a human the Doctor has "borrowed" and is educating, as he would later attempt again with Ace, but Susan's grasp of 4th dimensional mathematics does imply that she is from Gallifrey.

So where does the grand-parental relationship come into it? Well, for that one, let's turn to the Translation circuits that can be found in the TARDIS and other TTCs (Time Travel Capsules). We know from the Timewyrm series of novels and the Marvel comics (and the new show, I guess, but who cares?) that particularly obscure, ancient or alien languages don't translate well. This may also by why the Doctor, especially the 3rd and 4th, tend to write in English, rather than High or Low Gallifreyian. Here on Earth, we can struggle to translate languages with different constructions; Japanese is particularly difficult to translate into English, for example, because it is so subjective, with the same word having vastly different meanings in different contexts.

Where am I going with this? Well, let's look at Japanese again for a moment; there are more than a few terms of endearment for non-family that use familial terms, aren't there? "Big Brother", "Big Sister" and so on, is how we translate them, but it is the context that matters in the mouths of the Japanese speaker. Well, we know that even Low Gallifreyian is a very complex language (Ace struggles to learn to read it in the New Adventures), and it deals with a malleable 4th dimension, so it is not unreasonable to assume that context, especially for nouns, is important.

I put it to you that "Grandfather" is a mis-translation of Gallifreyian into English, likely of a term of familial endearment made from a younger "cousin" to an elder one in a family structure totally alien to our own. A better translation would likely be "Respected and Learned elder member of this House" (possibly used ironically in the case of the Doctor), which doesn't have an equivalent in English, as our familial language is based on groups assembled for the generation of children. Oh, yeah, children don't exist on Gallifrey, the inhabitants are loomed as young adults. So when Susan calls the Doctor "grandfather", that is the TARDIS translation circuits doing their best to put her actual words into something the humans around her can understand.

Superhero Media: The Avengers (1998)

Based on a long-running British television series, which has enjoyed more than one incarnation, The Avengers follows the adventures of Mister Steed and Missus Peel as they battle the menace of August DeWinter. Quite a few years ago, in 2012, many YouTube film reviewers latched onto The Avengers as a quick source of content, as the Marvel Studios version was due soon and provided handy clickbait. I quite enjoyed many of these videos, as they were predominantly American in origin, and there were many laughs to be had in the lack of understanding of the, very British, humour of The Avengers. Cries of "Is the joke that they're polite?" were met by my friends and I chuckling; "No, the joke is that they're British." And that's the trick to The Avengers, if there can be considered to be one, if you can't buy into the, very British, absurdities and behaviors, you'll never enjoy the film, as it's full to the brim of a bowler hat of the very same. So if jokes about tolerable additives to tea (lemon and honey, please mother) or umbrella etiquette aren't for you, maybe give this one a miss. 

For me, a viewer of The New Avengers, Adam Adamant Lives! and The Prisoner, The Avengers does it for me very nicely thank you very much. It's honestly not as good as the classic programmes, but much easier to come by and watch when I need a quick fix. Ralph Fiennes and Uma Thurman perform admirably in the lead roles, but it is Sean Connery, yes, Sean fucking Connery, as August DeWinter, the camp, scenery-chewing evil mastermind, who steals the show. Seriously, Connery may be a somewhat "limited" actor in some respects, but he does what he does well, and his style lends itself well to the "No Sex Please, We're British" jokes and double ententes straight out of Are You Being Served?, I guess it's the great British pantomime tradition? Whilst I'm on a British cultural binge, the soundtrack features music from Skuggs, of Madness fame, and whilst it's not his best work, I'll take my Ska where I can get it. Fun fact, "Steed" and "Peel" were the PA callsigns for security at Coles Supermarkets when I worked there, that's how embedded The Avengers is in British/Colonial culture. 

Like, The Avengers is kind of up there with Doctor Who with certain generations, even enjoying an extended run in Germany under the title "With Umbrella, Charm and Top Hat", which I think we can all agree, is a better name for the series. In all fairness, The Avengers is not the best version of itself, that would probably be the original television series, but it does get the general idea across and is all done in 90 minutes if you happen to be, just as example, showing your girlfriend because she didn't believe what you were describing was actually real. That was a fun night. She did not care for it. If you want to broaden your concept of what a super-spy organisation can be beyond the SHIELD model, then The Avengers is a good place to start, with plenty of gadgets, fun henchmen (played by Eddie Izzard!) and a bonkers plot to ransom the world with a weather control device. Crooked Dice and a few other miniature makers do Steed and Peel models, so I may have to grab a set to go with my Archer and Lana and 3rd Doctor and Sarah Jane.

The Pitch: Super Smash Brothers

I was watching the new Jumanji films recently, the ones with The Rock and Karen Gillian, and an idea hit me. The framework of "we got sucked into a video game" isn't wholly original, having been used at least as far back as the original Battletoads and Tron, but it is oddly underused in a world where video games are a massive industry and trying to adapt them to film is a constant challenge. Way back in my "Nintendo Movies" article, sometime in 2022 if I'm not mistaken, rather than pitch specific films, I more generally discussed the idea of Nintendo multimedia and what that could potentially look like. This time around, though, I have something more akin to The Pitch which I haven't done for a while, based on, of all Nintendo series, Super Smash Bros.

Super Smash Brothers

Trapped in a world they didn't create, four friends have to work together to harness the powers of their favourite Nintendo characters to escape and save the universe.

The Idea

Ok, we're not pretending that this is anything other than doing Tron or Jumanji -Welcome to the Jungle with the expansive Smash Bros. roster, but that doesn't mean it can't be fun or clever. Get celebrity actors to do the voice of various characters, Sigourney Weaver as Samus, Ryan Reynolds as Pikachu, Cary Elwes as Marth, that kind of thing. Put some proven writers on the job, this isn't Citizen Kane or anything, workmen will do. The story involves four young people, probably in high school, getting trapped in a video game, how isn't super important, and the game turns out to run essentially along the lines of World of Light and/or Shadow Emissary. Why not just make a film out of Shadow Emissary, because that's what people will be asking for anyway? Well, because that's not how the industry works and I don't think we can sell a franchise film with no dialogue.

How it works

The gimmick of this whole concept is, of course, getting a cast of popular characters together to bounce jokes around and have cool fights, the plot is almost secondary, with the players needing to get from A to B through a series of iconic Nintendo locations and beat the final boss, who may be Gaalem or Light or whoever, maybe someone new? Given that the Smash series has a massive roster now, there should probably be some kind of "character randomisation" problem going on preventing the "players" from picking their mains and letting us rotate through more characters. For example, having a scene where someone is stuck as Jigglypuff and learns how to do the instant-KO, or wobbling with the Ice Climbers or complains about Hero being broken are the kind of little things that should probably go in there for fans, but not be major plot-points.

In the finale, of course, the issue is fixed and the players get their mains and work together to win out, go home and we have a sequel tease. Again, nothing complicated, as much of the entertainment and humor comes from things like seeing Warrior and Megaman have to team up to take down King Dedede or something like that. In fact, some kind of World of Light system where the players have to unlock characters by defeating them could be good if not overdone. Naturally, in the end, the players mains are characters that predominantly feature in the Smash Bros series, rather than being popular in their own right, like Captain Falcon and the Ice Climbers, mostly because you kind of want to keep your powder dry on IPs like Zelda and Metroid, giving the lesser-knowns time to shine.

Just for Fun

Now, if it were me in charge of all this, I'd be working close with Nintendo and planning for the film to be released at a very specific time. Much like the 1990s 'classic' The Wizard, our Smash Bros film will be the global reveal for the next game. I'm seeing this take the shape of being a new character available in the final battle that has never been in a Smash game before, and then a full trailer post-credits like at the end of No Way Home. Of course, that's a huge ask and may not happen, but I figure if we're already talking about making a big-budget Smash Bros film, then why not shoot for the moon? The character should be Dixie Kong as well, because I said so.

Superhero Media: Hellboy (2019)

I'm assuming at this point that no one needs me to tell them that the 2019 Hellboy reboot is a bad film. The script is poor, the CGI is somehow worse than the previous films, the sound mixing is so bad I couldn't make out the dialogue half the time, and it tries way too hard to set up a franchise. However, if Hellboy was just a bad film hijacking the goodwill of two previous films with the same characters to try and launch a cinematic universe, that would, like The Mummy, be the end of the story. Like many "bad" films I cover on this blog, Hellboy has enough in it to make it a worthwhile watch, even if the overall effect is a negative one. For the wargamer, superhero or otherwise, there is plenty of great stuff, from a WWII sequence featuring Lobster Johnson and British Wizards, through to Hellboy and Ben Damiyo (in wereleopard form) taking on a Celtic Troll with pig features. Modern incarnations of the Knights of the Round table are always pretty fun, probably one of the parts of Hellsing I enjoyed most, and Hellboy has them mounting up to hunt giants with electrified lances. Awesome. 

Seriously, the Great Hunt segment is pretty brilliant and over far too quickly when all is said and done, I'll certainly be running with that idea at some point, possibly for a display game. I've said before that superheroes need to fight more giant foes more in cinema, and whilst the poor CGI makes the fight hard to follow, I'll take what I can get. Also vampire Luchidoro. He's not there for long, but that's another cool idea to use somewhere else. And there lies the major issue with the script of Hellboy, it never sits still long enough to enjoy the clever moments that are there. David Harbor is fine in the role, but almost everything I know about the character is drawn from prior knowledge, rather than being informed by the film, as it should be. There is plenty or lore about Hellboy and the villain, Morgan le Fey, revealed in extended exposition sequences, but I never really learn who they are, in contrast to what. It's just bad film-making and is a real shame in the light of having had two excellent Hellboy films previously. 

Another point of contention that I, personally, have with Hellboy is that it has an "R" rating, but fails to do anything interesting with those expanded limits. Swearing and drinking more certainly grounds Hellboy, but the added violence is mostly grotesque, especially a sequence in the third act which seems more ripped from Attack on Titan than the Dark Horse comics. There are plenty of aspects of the comics present, but without having a solid tone or bothering to explain who Hellboy and the BPRD are, and their roles, it's just a series of Easter Eggs for a franchise that will never arrive. What Hellboy reminds me of most is an odd combination of Catwoman and The Mummy. The Dark Universe connection is obvious, with a failed Cinematic Universe effort filled with references to films that will never happen. The connection to Catwoman, however, is that Hellboy is just pretty bad, and even the good ideas in it may be lost if we don't dig through it and use them somewhere else. So throw a horseback giant hunt, vampire wrestler or ghost Pulp Hero into your next game[s], at least it should be more fun than this film.