5 "Verses" Battles I'd like to see

After attacking the entirety of internet nerd culture in a previous entry, I decided I needed to flex my credentials a little. As mentioned in "Death Rattles", I am a big fan of theoretical superhero match-ups, dedicating quite a bit too much brain time for a man my age to thinking about these sort of things. My issue is that too many people are focused on how various powerful characters stack up as a bizarre matter of pride, rather than thinking out what would be fun, interesting and/or unique to see. 
To remedy that, here are five examples of crossover fights I'd like to see and how I think they'd go, just to prove I don't hate fun. If people even think that, I think I prop up the pursuit of fun in the Superhero genre quite a bit around here. I even enjoyed Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Out of the Shadows.

Ratchet (Insomniac) Vs Rocket (Marvel) 

(Looks like I'm not the first one to think of this) 

 

Two cute, furry, gun-toting mechanics with big histories as space adventurers and bigger weapons, Ratchet and Rocket feel like a match made in nerd heaven. As both of these characters are heroes, any crossover would have to follow the classic formula of "heroes meet, heroes fight each other, they make up, heroes fight the villain". Trust me, it's a cliche because it works. The scene in which each character pulls out a succession of bigger and bigger weapons, slowly blasting away wherever they're fighting, only to accidentally swap the RYNO for the Hadron Enforcer and hilarity ensues. I'd imagine that the finale of the crossover would feature both characters blasting away an entire space armada with hand-held weapons, or something equally as crazy.

Ronan the Accuser (Marvel) Vs Judge Fear (2000AD)

I'll start out by saying that I'm a big fan of both characters and have gamed this scenario out in my head a bunch of times. Ronan probably wins this one, he does hold the Universal Weapon, but the fight would be interesting nonetheless as Judge Fear is a supernatural opponent, something Ronan isn't used to fighting. Also, both of the two preen and posture, which is really important in a villain fight, which should be pretty damn camp if you're going to do it properly. And let's not forget the fun word-play that can be had with "Accuser" and "Judge".   

Doctor Dinosaur (Atomic Robo) Vs Calendar Man (DC)

 

Calendar Man is an awesome villain and I will fight you on that. I shouldn't need to convince you how awesome Doctor Dinosaur is, so here we go. I'm picturing this crossover working along the lines of both Calendar Man and Doctor Dinosaur are planning an elaborate plot at the same time and place and clash over who gets to pull their job. After arguing in each's typical faction for a while, the pair team up to use crystal-powered devices to kill people on Bastille Day (why not?). At the last minute, Batman and Atomic Robo swing in to save the day. This really doesn't need to be more than one issue of a comic, but I think it'd be a lot of fun; Batman needs more fun.

Battle Beast (Image) Vs Ares (Marvel Comics)

 

As much as I complain about the demand to see "powerful" characters fight each other, I'm not totally adverse to the concept, I'd just like to see it done with someone other than the usual suspects. Battle Beast is an alien warrior king driven insane by years of fighting, becoming a living engine of destruction. Ares is the God of War and a former Dark Avenger, with a thirst for battle that can never be quenched. Simply put, these two will wreck shit. You know those fights where the entire surrounding area gets destroyed? Yeah, this would be one of those, and it would be pretty awesome. There's a bonus here that may get some more attention for Invincible with having a character from that series in the same comic as a Marvel character.

Black Panther (Marvel) Vs The Phantom (King Features)

  (not surprised this time, this one's pretty obvious) 

 

I wonder why this one has never happened, not even in the heyday of Marvel U? I need to keep mentioning this, but The Phantom is still very popular in Commonwealth countries, with more than one series in print currently. Since the 2018 film, Black Panther is making mad bank for Marvel as well as a huge impact in black communities worldwide. So here's the pitch, Black Panther thinks Phantom is a colonialist whose "protection" is actually dictatorship and decides to go take him out for the good of Africa. After the two have fought and The Phantom is losing, his people come to his aid and Black Panther has to rethink his point of view. There's plenty of scope there for some great storytelling about race, colonialism and representation, which is exactly what a good Black Panther comic should do. 

Superhero Media: Batman the Movie (1966)

It's been said by better commentators than I that Batman the Movie functions as more of "highlight reel" of the television programme than a feature-length version of the same. Most of the main elements are there, fight scenes, gadgets, vehicles, colourful villains and unlikely escapes, but the wry humour and subtle social and political jabs are missing. The Caped Crusaders are called in to help when a cabal of villains, Penguin, the Joker, Catwoman and the Riddler, enact a complex plot to conquer the entire world. Over the next 105 minutes, we're treated to such memorable moments as the Bat-Shark Repellent, dehydrated UN delegates and a penguin-shaped submarine; it's pretty wonderful really, even if it's not quite as great as the series proper. 

If you've seen any Adam West Batman, it's likely that it was Batman the Movie, as it tends to get regular play on commercial television, usually mid-afternoon on school holidays. Even people that have never seen more than a clip compilation are aware of the Bat-Shark Repellent and classic lines like "that exploding shark was pulling my leg". Having recently finished the entire Batman series, I found that I missed little things like the sexual interplay between Batman and Catwoman and the villain plots often being more mundane than needing to conquer the world. Then again, more use of the Bat-Cycle and Bat-Copter than the budget of the average episode will allow is pretty cool and has me eyeing off some more die cast vehicles to add to my collection. Perhaps a Batcave with a motor pool? But where the hell would I store it? 

This one's a little brief because there's really not too much here to talk about. Batman the Movie is a fun romp, somehow even less serious than the series, but aside from a couple of key scenes, it's not terribly memorable. For me, Batman the Movie is a good "litmus test" for seeing if friends, loved ones or potential dates may be able to stomach watching more Adam West Batman. Although the series is a lot better than Batman the Movie would indicate, the film is about as bad as the series gets, so if you, or anyone else, can stomach the film, then the series is well within reach. Annoyingly, Batman the Movie is not included in the Batman boxed set, but it should prove easy enough to track down if you really feel like it. Still not the worst live-action Batman film by a mile. 

Miniatures Finished: Revolutionary Guard

At the time of writing, it's July 2018 and I have two teams to complete for the (long-awaited) French Revolution supers campaign. I'm aiming for the first game (a raid on the Bastille) to be on the weekend of Bastille Day 2019 (let's see how that goes). There are also several NPC "characters" that will turn up, including the Revolutionary Guard. 

 Eureka Miniatures 

After these and the Napoleonic Russian in my Anachronauts, I'm swearing off Horse and Musket wargaming for life, such a pain to paint. 

As usual, here's the SuperSystem 4 stats, you'll notice I use them for other "police force" types as well: 

Name: SWAT/Revolutionary Guard/Fascist Police Force				BP: 85
Affiliation: None				AP: 6
Strike: 5	Strength: 4	Dodge: 3	Sense: 3
Toughness: 3	Mind: 3	Resolve: 4	Damage: 6/6
Powers
Bodyguard – May become the target of Toughness Damaging attacks targeting friend within 3”
Entangle 5 – 3AP 15” range, Models struck are Immobilised
Scope 2 – Remove 2 bonus Dodge dice due to range for targets of Ranged Attacks
Weapon 2
Ranged Attack 6 (does Knockback)
Henchmen Team – 5 Members

 

Superhero Media: Captain America by Ed Brubaker

As the resident "Comic Book Nerd" in most of my social groups, I often get asked which comics people 'should' start reading. My usual response involves trying to find a character or kind of story in which someone may be interested. For most of the major characters in comics, I can recommend at least one or two series or trades worth picking up. For Captain America, I'm always keen to suggest The Ultimates, Secret Empire, Fallen Son, War and Remembrance and, of course, the magnificent run by Ed Brubaker. Opening with the shock assassination of the Red Skull, the Omnibus Edition (from which I'm reading), runs through the Winter Soldier story-line before culminating in the Death of Captain America. It's a hell of a read, and probably one of the best continuing series in the history of Marvel Comics. Brubaker has such a regard and talent for these characters, that his have fast become the definitive versions of even obscura like Master Man, Union Jack and Doctor Faustus.

Probably the strongest recurring theme of the Brubaker run of Captain America is the juxtaposition of the pulpy, Golden Age adventures of Cap with his current, espionage-driven conflicts. Seeing the classic costumes of WWII-era heroes and villains realised by the amazing artwork of Steve Epting is a huge fanboy thrill for me, but also helps contextualise the classic Cap and Invaders stories brilliantly, rather than waving them away like The New 52 or Batman RIP. The Captain America presented in these comics is an icon, a legend, but also a man out of time trying to do the best he can against impossible odds. It's no wonder that the MCU has followed the broader strokes of these comics in bringing their own Captain America to pop-culture dominance. By the way, isn't it really cool that Captain America is one of the most popular characters in the world at a time when the real USA is steadily transitioning to fascism under the "leadership" of a failed businessman turned reality television star? Oh, don't start, regular readers will know I'm pretty damn far to "the Left". 

Although much of this run of Captain America has been adapted elsewhere, they're still worth reading as some of the best examples of both the characters and the broader use of the 616 Marvel continuity. Yes, you don't need to have read the classic Captain America comics to enjoy the emotional connection between Cap and Sam Wilson, but the fact that it is there is the strength of never really having done a "line-wide reboot" really helps. There's also great stuff with Doctor Doom and AIM if you're into that kind of thing, which I am. After the death of Cap, Agent 13, Sam Wilson and Bucky come to the fore as characters, trying to solve the mystery of Cap's assassination and thwart the evil plans of he Red Skull to destroy America. It's at once brilliantly camp and comic-booky and totally compelling. A must-have for any collector of Captain America, Marvel or simply great comics. 

Thinking Out Loud: Deaf Rattles

I'm old enough to remember a world were the internet was not ubiquitous; increasingly, I believe myself very lucky to hold those memories. Not because I believe that the internet is eroding culture, or killing intelligent discourse or invading privacy or facilitating the rise of neo-fascism (though it is totally doing a few of those things), but because I recall when asking "who would win in a fight" between two superheroes was an invitation to a fun discussion, not an argument. Years back, I read a Wizard magazine that did a tounge-in-cheek article of a theoretical fight between Raistlin (Dragonlance) and Elmisnter (Forgotten Realms). I really enjoyed this article, because, as well as breaking down the characters' abilities and past feats, the article provided examples of how each character could, in theory, win the fight. Years back, Marvel Comics did a big crossover between Dracula and Doctor Strange in which the two fought, with the climax in two different issues; in Tomb of Dracula, Dracula killed Strange, in Doctor Strange, Strange was triumphant. 

Now, there is an entire internet community and attached industry focused on which characters would win theoretical fights. When a friend got me onto this, I had a bit of fun with it at first, after all, that's part of the reason I love Superheroes; they're fun. Yes, I, more often than is probably reasonable, take superheroes and comics way more seriously than is probably mentally healthy, but I also constantly advocate the love of the sillier corners of the genre (I've been watching Adam West Batman on DVD and I love it!). For me, applying math and hard numbers to a theoretical fight between, say, Hulk and Doomsday, kind of sucks the joy out of what should be a fun romp with two big monsters beating the hell out of each other. No, I'm not just taking swings at Death Battle, though they are one of the bigger names, but also the YouTube "Vs" community, Reddit, forums and blogs that keep this trend going. There is a focus on hard numbers and statistics in nerd culture that is understandable, but still baffling to me when people try and apply it to narrative fiction. Hell, I have a degree in Literature and boiling stories and characters down to metrics is something that simply isn't necessary.
 

Again, I enjoy thinking about theoretical superhero crossovers, it's fun to imagine what happens when Atomic Robo and Tony Stark have to team-up against AIM, or Batman and The Phantom busting Singh Brotherhood rackets in Gotham, or Allen the Alien and Kilowog getting into a misunderstanding, or a million other things, but I just don't care about who would win in a fight because of how strong/fast/tough the math says they are. How strong is Spider-man? Stronger than a normal person, not as strong as Thor or Thing. How fast is Superman? As fast as he needs to be to save the day, but not so fast that there isn't any tension. How powerful is Goku? Not as powerful as the villain, yet, but he'll get there. The best part of superhero crossovers isn't who beats whom, but, instead, the misunderstanding, the fight and the reconciliation. The Avengers got it right, with the Thor/Hulk brawl and Cap breaking up a pissing match between Tony and Thor; no one needed to "win" those fights for us to enjoy them, they were fun and that was enough.

Superhero Media: GI Joe - Retaliation

Ok, so why wasn't this the first film? Like, seriously, Retaliation is actually quite enjoyable, enough so that I've watched it more than a couple of times, whereas Rise of Cobra was affectingly dull. It appears that lessons have be learned, as the film opens with a fast-paced action sequence where GI Joe wrests Pakistani nuclear weapons from insurgent control after the country falls to civil war. Even without the bleeding-edge, near-future technology, this is a pretty cool set-up for any modern speculative wargaming for those interested in that kind of thing. From there, the Joes are betrayed, leaving only Roadblock, Lady Jaye, Snake Eyes and Flint alive to seek justice. Soon joined by Jinx and Bruce Willis (the original Joe), the leaner, more polished cast makes for far more engaging action. Cobra have replaced POTUS with Zartan and are disarming the world's nuclear weapons for nefarious reasons.

As I mentioned in the Rise of Cobra review, I'm not much of a GI Joe fan, but even I can tell that more effort was put into making Retaliation a better adaptation than the first film. There's a clear embracing of the absurdity of the source material, a factor I keep promoting as needed for this kind of thing, with more ninjas, Hiss Tanks from the toy line and absurd action scenes taking over the third act. Cobra are comically villainous, with Zartan quipping "The call it water-boarding, but I never get bored", and the master of the Ninja temple is played by the RZA, because why the hell not? In fact, there is an extended sequence where Snake Eyes and Jinx fight Cobra ninjas whilst abseiling on the side of a mountain and if that doesn't make you want to watch this film, I don't know why you even read this blog, seriously, ninja battle on the side of a cliff! 

The big Cobra plan turns out to be tricking the world into disarming their nuclear arsenal before revealing their orbital tungsten rod deploying doom weapons and only the group of surviving Joes can save freedom and America or whatever. In a weird way, Cobra kind of do more to save the world than the Joes, in that they permanently disarm all of the world's nuclear weapons, even if it is for the wrong reasons; there's probably an interesting comparison to be made between Retaliation and Superman IV, but I'm pretty overworked at the moment and don't have time to get into that. Part of the problem of Retaliation is that no one seems to have bothered to watch it. That does make sense, as Rise of Cobra was pretty terrible, but audiences still watch the Transformers films, so I don't know why GI Joe was an exception. I would have watched more of these, it's a bit of a shame this franchise didn't catch on. 

Miniatures Finished: Mandroids

I've been trying to complete "sets" of miniatures where I can, rather than having a couple of miniatures out of a Henchman team finished and the rest waiting until I remember them. I also wanted more "hero" Henchmen teams, to help fill in when I'm a player short but don't want to influence the game too much when I play. To that end, I finally finished up my Mandroids: 

 Heroclix 

Probably a little obscure for many, the Mandroid Armour was designed for SHIELD by Tony Stark, using a stripped-down version of the Iron Man technology. Something a bit tougher than normal Agents, but not dangerous enough to take down an entire team of villains. 

 

Superhero Media: Justice League (2017)

I like it. I don't *love* it, it has a lot of problems, but Justice League is probably my third favourite DC film in the current run, even more so than Wonder Woman, which I'll get to below. I've watched the second half of the film a number of times now and my enjoyment hasn't really dipped at all. Note that I mentioned the second half of the film specifically, the half that is notably lighter in tone and actually works in a few jokes. As regular readers will know, I'm not much of a fan of the "Snyder Aesthetic" that characterised Man of Steel and subsequent films, so the steady lightening of tone in Justice League gave me some hope for what may come if the DCU had gone on in a similar direction. I'm very much of the opinion that bad films can have certain, "shining moments" that I want to see again and again, and watching Justice League feels like a succession of these and waiting for the next "good bit". And there are plenty to be had, even if the full effect of the film is lacking. 

The compartmentalisation of the DC film and television productions is really intriguing because we end up with interesting situations like Ben Affleck and Gal Gadot being excellent casts for their characters, but fans preferring Grant Gustin and Tyler Hoechlin for other parts. Now, the MCU has issues with casting, as Agents of SHIELD and Inhumans have eaten up good roles that won't be in the, much better, films now, so there doesn't appear to be a "better" solution, but with Batwoman and Green Arrow already being established, it feels odd to have Cyborg and a new Flash appear out of nowhere for Justice League. To put my postmodernist literature hat on for a minute, Justice League is something of a bricolage of ideas and themes, being a kind of creative gumbo with input not only from Snyder and Whedon, but also from Affleck, the internet fan culture and a studio fixated on no longer being the second biggest game in town. For all the flaws there is plenty to like though, the scene where a resurrected Superman goes on a rampage is masterfully directed, and the fight against Steppenwolf at the end is spectacular, even if the character looks terrible. 

I'll get into this more in a later "Thinking Out Loud", but the DC films have a real problem with their music selection. During the above-mentioned Superman resurrection scene, the music is a minor-key version of the John Williams "Superman Theme", and when Superman turns up again in the finale, the score is from Man of Steel. Doesn't that seem the wrong way around? Like, if the intent was to ensure the audience that Superman was moving in a direction closer to how he has been traditionally portrayed (which is the meta-text of the moment), wouldn't it make more sense to have the dour, grim, Man of Steel theme be used with "bad" Superman and the heroic, uplifting John Williams score used for "good" Superman? When Batman stops being the pastiche he was in Dawn of Justice and becomes recognisable as himself again, the 1989 film theme cuts in and it's awesome. I really believe that Justice League needs to be experienced and judged by the individual, there's so much going on that there is no real way to reduce it to a unified conclusion.