Superhero Media: X-Men Apoclaypse

There is a school of critical theory that stipulates that every film is someone's favourite, so eviscerating art for entertainment is, at the very least, poor form. I try not to lambaste media here for the purpose of entertainment, but am willing to talk about flaws and "bad films" when I come across them. I also used to have a client who insisted that X-Men Apocalypse was the "best" X-Men film, and was unfairly maligned by most. Now that I've finally seen it, I can grasp what this client was getting at, as there are a few good ideas and genuinely enjoyable moments, however, most are borrowed from previous tellings of the story. In short, X-Men Apocalypse is an unnecessary film, one that need not exist, as it brings nothing new or different into the artistic sphere, but exist it does, so I guess I need to write about it. The film begins in Ancient Egypt, where Enh Sabah Nur is undergoing a ritual that won't be explained until halfway through the film, when it is interrupted by rebels and he is sealed away for thousands of years. 

Awakened in the 1980s, because we're still flogging the retro nostalgia horse in this franchise, Enh Sabah Nur starts gathering his mutant "Horsemen" so that he can conquer the world. Meanwhile, Scott Summers is starting at the Xaiver School for Gifted Youngsters and meets a young Jean Grey, because everything old is new again. There's a fight, Apocalypse is poorly defined, but at least the costuming department is having fun because everyone looks pretty cool, especially Nightcrawler and Storm. Ok, I really need to talk about the time problem with these films, because it's so obvious and really annoying if you think about it for even a moment. First Class is set in 1962, Magneto is around 33 years old, the flashback section of Days of Future Past is mid-1970s, so Erik must be 40 or so, and Apocalypse, judging from the fashions, is peak-1980s, so probably '84 or '85, making the Master of Magnetism 50, at the youngest. Now, that doesn't quite track with the "Original Timeline", but I guess it's ok, but what about Quicksilver? Who is just here for one scene that is less clever than it wants to be. He has to be pushing 30 in Apocalypse, but is kind of just happy to live in his mother's basement, playing pinball. 

Again, the best term for Apocalypse is "unnecessary". This film did not need to happen, it has no story to tell that is worthwhile, the only interesting characters are ones we're already familiar with, and the new ones are poor versions of ones we've seen before. In an odd way we can blame the continuation of these films on the success of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, but doing so doesn't address the quality of Apocalypse, only its presence; after all, SHAZAM! only exists because the MCU prints money, and it's awesome. As much as I've never really considered myself a fan of the X-Men, I honestly can't wait for them to come to the MCU, pretty much just so we can leave the bulk of this series behind and only remember the good ones. I don't often feel like I've wasted my time with anything that I review here, but Apocalypse comes close, as there is really nothing there that made my investment of time feel worthwhile. Thankfully, half of the remaining films in this series are pretty damn good and I can't wait to watch them.